It's natural when one is in transistion to feel a bit anxious, happy yet uncertain and a lot of excitement mixed with stress. This can be true of any change, be it jobs, relationships, schools or relocating to a new environment. As humans we're built to adjust, and most of us enjoy a bit of change here and there. Ideally the adjustments come at a pace we can handle, but in many cases they don't. That is certainly where I stand at present. My mind is racing through so many "to-dos" that even my thought process and writing is impaired. Even so, I feel it should be transcribed if for nothing more than to clear my head and have a record of how much one can be capable of when I look back on this from a calmer peace of mind.
Where to begin.....a simple description, of all the things that have changed in my life within the last year or so. I've mentioned my earlier struggles with graduate school before so I won't go back there, only to mention that about a year and a half ago I had just stopped attending that program. I went back to work and within the next year my entire life changed. My research funding ended, I was unemployed. I got engaged, looked for a new path, and got accepted into a new graduate program. During those few months between unemployment and school, I experienced for the first time ever what unemployment truly feels like. It wasn't about the money, it was the lack of purpose. I took up exercise, eating better, stopped taking my ADHD medication I'd hated but needed for school, and found some sort of peace in my quiet, solo rituals.
School began, I met new people, my brain reawakened with knowledge I'd missed. I realized that time off was wonderful because it made me realize that I love learning and need to be engaged in some form of it or I feel bored and listless. I'm not ashamed to admit I read scientific articles for fun during my time off of school. Then began the wedding planning, something I never realized was so involved. Crazy and stressful yet worth it for the end result of a day that will hopefully be unforgettable.
It was at this time I decided to go forward with something I'd been thinking of for nearly 15 years, converting to Judaism. I wasn't sure how it would turn out, but it was a wonderful process my fiance and I embarked on together. Our weekly meetings with the Rabbi always incited great spiritual conversation over the dinner we'd share after each of them.
Simultaneously while trying not to fail out of school, still adjusting to new friends and classmates, converting to Judaism and planning a wedding, another adventure fell on our laps. We had to move, our rent was up and we didn't want to leave our neighborhood. The apartment literally two doors down suddenly went up for sale, I made friends with the owner, and without a single hang-up we were homeowners in less than a month. Then came the visions in my head, those pictures I'd seen in magazines of the beautiful painted rooms decorated a certain way that I always told myself I'd get to create when I had a home. Well suddenly we had a home, and it felt like starting from scratch. We changed everything from flooring to paint to switch plate covers because I'm that into the details. We have probably visited home depot 15 times in the last 2 weeks. I'm pretty sure the people in the paint department know us.
Looking back a year ago, my biggest fear was being unable to pursue my career by finishing school. My first experience was so different from what I'd expected I began to doubt whether I'd made a mistake. Maybe I wasn't meant for this type of work. But what did I have to fall back on, and what else could I do when this is what I loved? I stressed every day until school started, constantly worried I'd fail. The second I got engaged and we started my religious conversion and planning a wedding, school was the last thing on my mind.
It's so crazy to think back to how little I used to feel I could handle just a few years ago. I felt like I tried so hard and never got enough work done, and wondered if I could truly "grow up" and have a life I felt comfortable with. Normally lots of change would stress me out and I'd probably be less functional, but somehow this time with more on my plate than I'd ever dreamed possible, I'm tired but fully succeeding. I think I learned a few things the first time around, how to work smarter not harder. I learned how to prioritize, how to be more organized, and to always take time out regularly. Even if you don't think you have the free time, it has to be done or you go insane.
So I sit here now, in this lovely, painted, mostly unpacked new house, literally in shock because it all happened so fast. I'm getting married in exactly 8 weeks, and that is completely crazy. Despite planning for what seems like ages, I still feel we have so much to do. I bought a dress but havent picked it up or had it fitted, and a whole list of other things I'd rather not think about. Then in between that, in just two days actually, I'll become a member of an entirely new religion. That is profound and quite moving and I'm feeling anxious, excited and very humbled. Then there's the housewarming, the wedding parties, cramming every last detail that needs to be fixed in my life somewhere inbetween now and the wedding, and literally the day after the wedding I start my new internship and another year of graduate school.
Generally I understand that this stress load is tolerable because I have a great future hubby helping me through every last bit of it, and despite all the change and chaos, its positive chaos. All of the things that have changed in my life are wonderful, just doing it all at once it insane. Well, that was probably the worst written blog I've ever composed but there it is. It needed to be said and thats what came out. And that was all she wrote.
Monday, July 2, 2012
Friday, February 3, 2012
Updates....its been awhile
So my last post, on re-reading seems a bit anxious and uncertain. My new circumstances of unemployment and an uncertain future looming ahead. I guess I've been busy enough to not post anything since that time, but for now things are working out splendidly. No work, no definitive future planned out, nothing but happy obligations I've chosen for myself.
I took the time off that I'd mentioned and planned for; the exercise, the self-realignment, the preparation to re-endulge in that abyss I'll call grad school. I was scared yet prepared and the first semester turned out great. My experiences so far in my new curriculum far surpass anything I ever experienced at my last school. There is no cut throat competition, no snide remarks, no hostile faculty looming overhead ready to write gloomy evaluations on a whim.
The new school is friendly! The classmates are confident and happy. Most of them unburdened by the experience of a previous graduate degree gone wrong like I have experienced, are happy to meet new colleagues and share their help in class when asked for it. Projects are collaborative, TAs are helpful, and professors are seemingly happy to be professors and appear to feel responsible for teaching. These are all new highlights of my new program of study.
It's the same type of study (clinical psychology), which just screams "neurotic individuals, lost and seeking self-reprise," but it's completely different, the way I'd imagined graduate study should be in the first place. Questions are answered, groups are formed, study notes and texts and PDFs are exchanged freely. Friends are made between class quiznos breaks, and lab partners are willing to spend time after class with you and even help you make your assignment better than it would have been without that help.
I've watched some fail, drop of out my classes and neglect to read their weekly assignments. I've seen others destined to succeed; doing the work, collaborating and trying their best to keep ahead of all the work we're assigned. The difference here is that we're in it together; and if you have a problem you can share it with your classmates and find refuge in their offerings of help.
So far, I love it. The professors are reasonable, they enjoy having you if you try. They understand if you miss one day out of the semester for an illness, and they actually send you notes and powerpoints to cover what you missed. Classmates send you their notes too, unsolicited. It's a magical environment that I always envisioned an institution of higher learning would be like. People share their ideas, provide you with help when you're sick, and ask you advice when you're doing well. Before classes, people mingle in the halls. They're not downtrodden with the demands of school, but happy to make the acquaintances of new colleagues studying what they're interested in. I'd classify the environment as one of help, not competition. We're all only as good as our group projects, as our class discussions, and only as prepared as our PDF articles emailed amongst us can allow.
Different environment to say the least.....just a few months ago I was scared. Now I'm happy. I fit here. It's a long winded story of struggle that finally seems to have come to a happy resting place where it all makes sense. Don't give up, and you'll figure it out in the end.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Turning Over a New Leaf......
Well this is a place I haven't found myself in for awhile. Sure I've graduated college, changed boyfriends, gotten engaged even.....but this is the first time in 8 years I'm losing a job and having to find another. Or not.
Basically the non-profit organization I've worked at for the past 8 years has gone through a lot of changes. My main job-provider left to start her own research firm, the project I was directing still had over a year left, and I was in graduate school. So I stayed.
Then it all changed. I took time off from school. My entire work realm changed from at home to having an office again. I had a new "supervisor" who I had to train to do everything. Including supervise me. I watched our entire office shrink to just 8 people. Suddenly my job was in similar jeopardy. I went from a 12-month contract to a 3-month contract.
I tried to apply for similar jobs in my field. I've never NOT gotten a job that I interviewed for in the past. I've rarely even missed the opportunity for the interview. But this time most places didn't call back, and the ones I interviewed at either lost their funding and couldn't offer me the job or just didn't get back to me. It was a new world.
I wouldn't say it was a world I was failing in; I'd gotten back into graduate school which was my main goal anyway, I was sick of working, and I'd just accepted a proposal from my partner of 6 years. Things were basically going very well. But the lack of job security really messed with my head.
I went from having an unlimited potential for working and even changing fields.....to nothing. Praying I'd qualify for unemployment while I waited for my government loans to come through to pay for graduate school. For the first few months, I was ok with this knowledge. I continued to apply for jobs and hope for the best. Then I started to find reasons to hate my current job and eagerly await its end. Then I realized I had less than 2 weeks left and I was out of strong irrational emotions to cover up my real ones.
What did I feel? What do I feel? I feel scared....I've never NOT worked since I was 14. I feel comfort that I don't have to stress my body waking up early every morning. Happiness that I can devote my next few months to yoga and cooking healthy meals for Mike and I, and cleaning the house and being domestic. I'm kinda looking forward to being Mrs. 1950 with the addition of yoga and meditation. I'm free to be peaceful finally.
But I'm afraid. What I'm "preparing" myself for, being healthy and happy, is going back to graduate school. Something I found quite repugnant and harmful the last time around. Granted, I feel like the choice of schools I've made this time around is much closer to my ideal and will be the right fit for me.....but still, re-embarking on this nightmare to fulfill my dream job goals is scary. I'm a little bit afraid. Boldly confident to plunge forward, and I will.....but afraid, nonetheless.
But I guess that's what you do.....you just plunge in and ask questions later. Not that I haven't asked questions. But for now my questions are answered and my decision is yes....do it. So we'll see. Damn you fear, here I come.
Basically the non-profit organization I've worked at for the past 8 years has gone through a lot of changes. My main job-provider left to start her own research firm, the project I was directing still had over a year left, and I was in graduate school. So I stayed.
Then it all changed. I took time off from school. My entire work realm changed from at home to having an office again. I had a new "supervisor" who I had to train to do everything. Including supervise me. I watched our entire office shrink to just 8 people. Suddenly my job was in similar jeopardy. I went from a 12-month contract to a 3-month contract.
I tried to apply for similar jobs in my field. I've never NOT gotten a job that I interviewed for in the past. I've rarely even missed the opportunity for the interview. But this time most places didn't call back, and the ones I interviewed at either lost their funding and couldn't offer me the job or just didn't get back to me. It was a new world.
I wouldn't say it was a world I was failing in; I'd gotten back into graduate school which was my main goal anyway, I was sick of working, and I'd just accepted a proposal from my partner of 6 years. Things were basically going very well. But the lack of job security really messed with my head.
I went from having an unlimited potential for working and even changing fields.....to nothing. Praying I'd qualify for unemployment while I waited for my government loans to come through to pay for graduate school. For the first few months, I was ok with this knowledge. I continued to apply for jobs and hope for the best. Then I started to find reasons to hate my current job and eagerly await its end. Then I realized I had less than 2 weeks left and I was out of strong irrational emotions to cover up my real ones.
What did I feel? What do I feel? I feel scared....I've never NOT worked since I was 14. I feel comfort that I don't have to stress my body waking up early every morning. Happiness that I can devote my next few months to yoga and cooking healthy meals for Mike and I, and cleaning the house and being domestic. I'm kinda looking forward to being Mrs. 1950 with the addition of yoga and meditation. I'm free to be peaceful finally.
But I'm afraid. What I'm "preparing" myself for, being healthy and happy, is going back to graduate school. Something I found quite repugnant and harmful the last time around. Granted, I feel like the choice of schools I've made this time around is much closer to my ideal and will be the right fit for me.....but still, re-embarking on this nightmare to fulfill my dream job goals is scary. I'm a little bit afraid. Boldly confident to plunge forward, and I will.....but afraid, nonetheless.
But I guess that's what you do.....you just plunge in and ask questions later. Not that I haven't asked questions. But for now my questions are answered and my decision is yes....do it. So we'll see. Damn you fear, here I come.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
The joy of nursing something back to life
For those of my readers who do not know, I have two pet rats. Since I'm sure this question has popped into your head (why in the hell do you have pet rats?!), I'll deal with it before going on. When I was young my friend had a pet rat and I found them to be very intelligent and interesting creatures. Despite all the other mice, hamsters, gerbils and things I have owned throughout my life, I find rats to be very sweet and intelligent creatures who make great pets. Like a dog or cat, you can teach them tricks, to respond by name, and you can see their soul in their little eyes. Unfortunately most people think of them as the gross disease-ridden creatures who become unwelcome house guests, but they are quite the opposite and very worthy of your love.
About a year ago I had taken a break from graduate school and since we did not feel we had the time to deal with a new dog or cat, it was agreed I would get a pet rat. Not knowing much at the time I purchased a single rat, thinking they were like hamsters (who prefer to live alone and will typically kill a roomate), and bought him a large mansion meant for 6 rats. We named him Lemmywinks. After a little reading about my new friend I realized my rat was actually social and meant to have a friend. I also learned that rats that come from pet stores (in my case I actually saved him from becoming a snake dinner from the other buyer in the store at the time), are not usually socialized and are not totally comfortable with humans. This being my first rat, I had an even bigger challenge at hand. I loved him like a child, but he clearly had issues. While he never bit me, he squealed and threw a fit when I tried to take him out to play and seemed to be depressed, laying around the cage and sleeping a lot.
After some researching and reaching out, I met a wonderful family who owned a rat shelter and rescue near me. You can find their website here: http://butters-rat-rescue.webs.com/
They agreed to take him for 2 weeks and socialized him to have another ratty friend who would come live with us, and also to be more comfortable around people. It was hard being away from him for so long, but when I brought him back I learned he had a lung infection that would have soon developed into pnemonia had I not brought him to people who knew the signs of this infection. He came home with a little baby rat he was friendly with and I adopted him into our home. Mike named him Nikko. I continued to administer antibiotics to him twice a day and he improved drastically. I could take him out to play, he seemed so much happier with his new friend, and everything was going very well.
He was set to take the medication for 3 weeks and when that ended I stopped giving him his twice a day dose of medicine. Just 2 days later he went from super healthy to practically dying. I gave him a treat in the morning before going off to work as always, and when I came home he was hovered in the corner wheezing and shaking, his eyes overrun with mucous. I thought he was a goner. I petted him and cried for hours that night. Though I knew he was having a flare up of his lung infection and simply needed more medication, rats tend to go down quickly and he seemed so bad and refused to eat or take medicine. I was unsure if he'd make it through the night. Finally he took a little medication and some liquid ensure through a tube I continuously poked at his mouth praying he'd eat.
That was a terrible night. I kept getting up to feed him and try to get him to take his medicine. I knew he was toward the older end of the rat lifespan but hoped if he could just take his medicine and let me feed him food by tube I could save him. He would eat the ensure by tube every hour, just a little bit at a time. He needed to stop and gather his breath between every few bites since it was hard for him to breathe. He made the saddest wheezing noises I'd ever heard. I just kept trying to feed him and pet his head to make him feel better. At the end of the early morning hours I covered him with a blanket and went to sleep. He was too delirious and weak to move to his usual bedding spot and I worried he wouldn't make it through the night. I just wanted him to be warm and comfortable.
The next morning I came down to give him medication and feed him more. He was receptive, so I stayed home from work. I fed Lemmy every hour by tube, as much baby food and ensure as he would eat. I knew even if he was getting better, starving to death would put an end to that. He refused to eat any solid foods or drink water. I kept giving him food by tube as often as he'd accept it. By the end of the night I felt exhausted, like I was taking care of a baby. He was still wheezing but seemed to be eating a lot more of my liquid food and looked a little better. He walked around the cage some and I thought he was improving. I personally felt like I was losing a part of my life, and felt very depressed and found sleeping nearly impossible.
The next day I had to go to work for awhile but had my friend come over to feed him. I fed him for nearly 20 minutes that morning; the amount of food he'd accept was increasing drastically and I knew he was improving. My friend came over to feed him midday and I came home early to continue the same. He was definitely getting better. Finally around 1am that evening I gave him a last dose of medicine and food and went to sleep. I didn't sleep well at all, I had so many bad dreams about losing my baby ratty. Finally I dragged myself out of bed to feed him Saturday morning, and found to my surprise he was finally eating solid foods from his bowl!! All my hard work had paid off, it seemed the medicine was working again and he was practically self-sufficient to feed himself.
That was this morning. Some of my friends still question my devotion to curing something that only "cost $5 to replace." That very comment makes me sick since this is my pet who I love dearly. Replacing him is not possible. I can buy a hundred new rats, but not a single new Lemmy. I spent the past 3 days devoted to feeding something through a tube and praying for his recovery, and that was rewarded by what seems at this point to be a mostly recovered rat. He still wheezes a bit and still needs to be fed ensure (won't drink water but will eat solid food), but his eye is no longer covered with puss, he walks around the cage and plays with his other rat friend, and I believe as long as he continues the medication (which he takes without any fight whatsoever), he will live awhile longer and continue to be healthy. I can say that I've never tried to nurse something that truly seemed minutes away from dying, back to health before, but it's one of the best feelings I've experienced so far in my life.
About a year ago I had taken a break from graduate school and since we did not feel we had the time to deal with a new dog or cat, it was agreed I would get a pet rat. Not knowing much at the time I purchased a single rat, thinking they were like hamsters (who prefer to live alone and will typically kill a roomate), and bought him a large mansion meant for 6 rats. We named him Lemmywinks. After a little reading about my new friend I realized my rat was actually social and meant to have a friend. I also learned that rats that come from pet stores (in my case I actually saved him from becoming a snake dinner from the other buyer in the store at the time), are not usually socialized and are not totally comfortable with humans. This being my first rat, I had an even bigger challenge at hand. I loved him like a child, but he clearly had issues. While he never bit me, he squealed and threw a fit when I tried to take him out to play and seemed to be depressed, laying around the cage and sleeping a lot.
After some researching and reaching out, I met a wonderful family who owned a rat shelter and rescue near me. You can find their website here: http://butters-rat-rescue.webs.com/
They agreed to take him for 2 weeks and socialized him to have another ratty friend who would come live with us, and also to be more comfortable around people. It was hard being away from him for so long, but when I brought him back I learned he had a lung infection that would have soon developed into pnemonia had I not brought him to people who knew the signs of this infection. He came home with a little baby rat he was friendly with and I adopted him into our home. Mike named him Nikko. I continued to administer antibiotics to him twice a day and he improved drastically. I could take him out to play, he seemed so much happier with his new friend, and everything was going very well.
He was set to take the medication for 3 weeks and when that ended I stopped giving him his twice a day dose of medicine. Just 2 days later he went from super healthy to practically dying. I gave him a treat in the morning before going off to work as always, and when I came home he was hovered in the corner wheezing and shaking, his eyes overrun with mucous. I thought he was a goner. I petted him and cried for hours that night. Though I knew he was having a flare up of his lung infection and simply needed more medication, rats tend to go down quickly and he seemed so bad and refused to eat or take medicine. I was unsure if he'd make it through the night. Finally he took a little medication and some liquid ensure through a tube I continuously poked at his mouth praying he'd eat.
That was a terrible night. I kept getting up to feed him and try to get him to take his medicine. I knew he was toward the older end of the rat lifespan but hoped if he could just take his medicine and let me feed him food by tube I could save him. He would eat the ensure by tube every hour, just a little bit at a time. He needed to stop and gather his breath between every few bites since it was hard for him to breathe. He made the saddest wheezing noises I'd ever heard. I just kept trying to feed him and pet his head to make him feel better. At the end of the early morning hours I covered him with a blanket and went to sleep. He was too delirious and weak to move to his usual bedding spot and I worried he wouldn't make it through the night. I just wanted him to be warm and comfortable.
The next morning I came down to give him medication and feed him more. He was receptive, so I stayed home from work. I fed Lemmy every hour by tube, as much baby food and ensure as he would eat. I knew even if he was getting better, starving to death would put an end to that. He refused to eat any solid foods or drink water. I kept giving him food by tube as often as he'd accept it. By the end of the night I felt exhausted, like I was taking care of a baby. He was still wheezing but seemed to be eating a lot more of my liquid food and looked a little better. He walked around the cage some and I thought he was improving. I personally felt like I was losing a part of my life, and felt very depressed and found sleeping nearly impossible.
The next day I had to go to work for awhile but had my friend come over to feed him. I fed him for nearly 20 minutes that morning; the amount of food he'd accept was increasing drastically and I knew he was improving. My friend came over to feed him midday and I came home early to continue the same. He was definitely getting better. Finally around 1am that evening I gave him a last dose of medicine and food and went to sleep. I didn't sleep well at all, I had so many bad dreams about losing my baby ratty. Finally I dragged myself out of bed to feed him Saturday morning, and found to my surprise he was finally eating solid foods from his bowl!! All my hard work had paid off, it seemed the medicine was working again and he was practically self-sufficient to feed himself.
That was this morning. Some of my friends still question my devotion to curing something that only "cost $5 to replace." That very comment makes me sick since this is my pet who I love dearly. Replacing him is not possible. I can buy a hundred new rats, but not a single new Lemmy. I spent the past 3 days devoted to feeding something through a tube and praying for his recovery, and that was rewarded by what seems at this point to be a mostly recovered rat. He still wheezes a bit and still needs to be fed ensure (won't drink water but will eat solid food), but his eye is no longer covered with puss, he walks around the cage and plays with his other rat friend, and I believe as long as he continues the medication (which he takes without any fight whatsoever), he will live awhile longer and continue to be healthy. I can say that I've never tried to nurse something that truly seemed minutes away from dying, back to health before, but it's one of the best feelings I've experienced so far in my life.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Guest Post: Psychological Benefits of Living Green
I'm pleased to have my first guest blog post from Jamie M. Leonard MEd. LPC writing about the benefits of living green. Please enjoy the below post.
Living a green lifestyle is certainly good for the planet, but there’s more to it than that. Green living can have a significant psychological impact as well. People aren’t just brainwashed and pressured into being eco-friendly. While humans are creatures of habit, there is an intrinsic value that comes along with green living that can make us feel good about our actions to help protect the environment. Here are a few of the other psychological benefits of green living.
Increased Awareness and Thoughtfulness
Living a green life can awaken feelings of increased awareness and thoughtfulness. Some might consider learning to care for the environment similar to learning to care for a child. Your actions change, you look at things in a different way, and you begin to realize that there is more out there than just you, your wants and your needs. There is now a larger responsibility involved and you must think of how your actions affect others, including not only others and future generations, but plants, animals, and the planet as a whole.
A Cleaner More Efficient Lifestyle
You may realize that living green can impact your entire lifestyle. Learning how to make due with less, conserve resources, and waste less to reduce your environmental impact may lead you to live a more organized, efficient life. This psychological change could have your de-cluttering your home, shopping less, cooking better, growing your own food, and making a whole variety of lifestyle adjustments.
Peace of Mind
Knowing that you’re doing your part to make the world a better place in which to live, can be incredibly freeing. While you might still have worries regarding global warming, a deteriorating ozone layer, and the human race’s impact upon all other earthly creatures, you do have that sliver of peace of mind knowing that you are making a difference through green living and maybe influencing others to do the same.
Reduced Feelings of Guilt/Remorse
Looking back on the days before you realized that your actions were having an environmentally harmful impact; you probably have some feelings of guilt and remorse for some of your actions. Maybe you remember the time you went camping and threw your soda cans in the bushes. It could be the thought of all those plastic jugs and bottles you used to put out with the garbage that makes your stomach churn. But now you can push those feelings aside and know that you are trying to rectify those previous wrongs, and you don’t have to feel guilty about harming the world in which future generations must live.
Jamie enjoys writing about the different ways to manage life's challenges. She is a college professor and a licensed counselor in Houston. Jamie has been helping women and adolescent girls deal with depression, anger, grief and more for nearly a decade.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
How to love: Vol 2 (When to Shut Up)
While I'm on the topic of building better relationships with the people we love, let's discuss another important feature in maintaining/improving those relationships. Some call it "picking your battles," I prefer to call it "knowing when to shut up."
I guess we all have those little things about our relationship partners that irk us. Perhaps some of those "little things" feel like very large annoying things. Whatever your situation is, you can always benefit from knowing when to discuss and when to stay silent.
I'm sure we've all seen and heard the clique old married couple, bickering over everything and anything from who was supposed to pick up the dry cleaning to who forgot to send in the electric bill on time. We're also probably watched some of these scenarios unfolding, wondering why on earth two otherwise happy people would succumb to such petty arguments. Perhaps part of it comes with the territory of knowing someone so well that you've become so accustomed to their "flaws" that you feel appropriate commenting on them. Maybe you've reached a point where you're literally so pissed off that your partner can't seem to ever remember to do a simple task you've asked of them, that you're ready for war. Either way, you should reconsider the value starting a fight over nothing.
If it's a legitimate problem (your husband continually leaves your child at school on his day for carpool pick up because he loses track of the time while out gambling with his buddies), then I would encourage a candid discussion. If it's a petty concern (as annoying as it may be to remind someone of the same thing a hundred times and still have them forget to do it), stop before you bite. Is this situation significantly affecting any part of your life or relationship? Is it endangering either of you? Is there anything truly horrific that will likely result from neglecting it? If the answer is 'no' then let it go. We will never have everything completely within our control, no matter how much we remind someone or nag them. If it really isn't significant, than you're doing your relationship a huge service by just letting it go.
It seems silly at first, but over time these are the exact types of things that lead people who were once happy, to arrive at a point where they feel so much is going wrong with their relationship it is beyond repair. It may have started with the little things, the nagging to do this or that, followed by the argument over how they forgot AGAIN to do it, but somehow enough little things all become part of one BIG thing in the end. Suddenly everything is a fight over absolutely nothing, and the good parts that should be mentioned (about what someone DID do), become neglected. This type of communication becomes a pattern, and once you're in a pattern you feel it's always been a pattern. Or at the very least you don't remember how things were before you fell into that pattern, and it seems like the best thing to do is give up and find someone else to fall into a new pattern with.
This may sound fatalistic, but it's the day-to-day things that keep us happy and content in our lives. When you have a bad day at work you may hate your job and want to leave, but you don't because you realize it's just a bad day in a series of other days ahead that are likely to be better. When you have a lot of bad days at work, you forget why you ever liked working there in the first place, and actively search for a way out. Your current dismay with the situation colors future interactions at work negatively, and before long all you notice are the annoying parts of your job that make you hate it. Any type of personal relationship can take the same course if we're not careful to choose our complaints wisely. Ever had a friend you kept hanging out with, even though every time you spent time with them you came home feeling depressed and miserable? I'm guessing it didn't take long for you to completely forget why you'd made friends with that person in the first place. And I'm certain it took even less time to stop making plans with that friend altogether.
Relationships with a significant other can sadly go the same way. It may take more time, because we're invested in the long-term thing, be it a marriage or monogamous relationship, but if the pattern endures it too will lead us to conclude we need a way out. If you think back to the interactions you had with your partner this week and find that a lot of little fights come to mind, try to think about what caused them. Were they important? Was the fight productive in the end? Did anything change or did you continue to fight about the same things over and over again? If you're not careful, you'll start to associate the partner you once loved with someone who brings you stress and annoyance. And our minds like to be comfortable. We won't stick around a bad situation for long, if we're healthy. As much as we'd like to say "no, that won't happen to me," our brains are wired to associate repetition with reality. And unless you're mentally sick yourself, we're also wired to seek out optimal happiness for ourselves. So instead of building up that pattern of negative interactions that spiral out of control, focus on what is being done RIGHT, what that person is doing that makes you consistently HAPPY. But don't keep it to yourself, share it with them! And if you practice enough, learning when to shut up and when to share may just keep you that way.
I guess we all have those little things about our relationship partners that irk us. Perhaps some of those "little things" feel like very large annoying things. Whatever your situation is, you can always benefit from knowing when to discuss and when to stay silent.
I'm sure we've all seen and heard the clique old married couple, bickering over everything and anything from who was supposed to pick up the dry cleaning to who forgot to send in the electric bill on time. We're also probably watched some of these scenarios unfolding, wondering why on earth two otherwise happy people would succumb to such petty arguments. Perhaps part of it comes with the territory of knowing someone so well that you've become so accustomed to their "flaws" that you feel appropriate commenting on them. Maybe you've reached a point where you're literally so pissed off that your partner can't seem to ever remember to do a simple task you've asked of them, that you're ready for war. Either way, you should reconsider the value starting a fight over nothing.
If it's a legitimate problem (your husband continually leaves your child at school on his day for carpool pick up because he loses track of the time while out gambling with his buddies), then I would encourage a candid discussion. If it's a petty concern (as annoying as it may be to remind someone of the same thing a hundred times and still have them forget to do it), stop before you bite. Is this situation significantly affecting any part of your life or relationship? Is it endangering either of you? Is there anything truly horrific that will likely result from neglecting it? If the answer is 'no' then let it go. We will never have everything completely within our control, no matter how much we remind someone or nag them. If it really isn't significant, than you're doing your relationship a huge service by just letting it go.
It seems silly at first, but over time these are the exact types of things that lead people who were once happy, to arrive at a point where they feel so much is going wrong with their relationship it is beyond repair. It may have started with the little things, the nagging to do this or that, followed by the argument over how they forgot AGAIN to do it, but somehow enough little things all become part of one BIG thing in the end. Suddenly everything is a fight over absolutely nothing, and the good parts that should be mentioned (about what someone DID do), become neglected. This type of communication becomes a pattern, and once you're in a pattern you feel it's always been a pattern. Or at the very least you don't remember how things were before you fell into that pattern, and it seems like the best thing to do is give up and find someone else to fall into a new pattern with.
This may sound fatalistic, but it's the day-to-day things that keep us happy and content in our lives. When you have a bad day at work you may hate your job and want to leave, but you don't because you realize it's just a bad day in a series of other days ahead that are likely to be better. When you have a lot of bad days at work, you forget why you ever liked working there in the first place, and actively search for a way out. Your current dismay with the situation colors future interactions at work negatively, and before long all you notice are the annoying parts of your job that make you hate it. Any type of personal relationship can take the same course if we're not careful to choose our complaints wisely. Ever had a friend you kept hanging out with, even though every time you spent time with them you came home feeling depressed and miserable? I'm guessing it didn't take long for you to completely forget why you'd made friends with that person in the first place. And I'm certain it took even less time to stop making plans with that friend altogether.
Relationships with a significant other can sadly go the same way. It may take more time, because we're invested in the long-term thing, be it a marriage or monogamous relationship, but if the pattern endures it too will lead us to conclude we need a way out. If you think back to the interactions you had with your partner this week and find that a lot of little fights come to mind, try to think about what caused them. Were they important? Was the fight productive in the end? Did anything change or did you continue to fight about the same things over and over again? If you're not careful, you'll start to associate the partner you once loved with someone who brings you stress and annoyance. And our minds like to be comfortable. We won't stick around a bad situation for long, if we're healthy. As much as we'd like to say "no, that won't happen to me," our brains are wired to associate repetition with reality. And unless you're mentally sick yourself, we're also wired to seek out optimal happiness for ourselves. So instead of building up that pattern of negative interactions that spiral out of control, focus on what is being done RIGHT, what that person is doing that makes you consistently HAPPY. But don't keep it to yourself, share it with them! And if you practice enough, learning when to shut up and when to share may just keep you that way.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
How to Love: Vol 1
I'm writing this article partially as someone who can speak from experience, and also as someone who has observed the actions of others causing their relationships to go horribly awry. Feel free to comment/disagree with your own stories.
Of course it's still true that you have to love yourself before you can (functionally) love another, but aside from that there is quite a bit to consider.
First of all, even if you do have personal issues at stake there are ways of going about a relationship with someone else that I would consider "DO's" and "DON'Ts." Primarily, are you actively engaged in your problems to a level that prevents deeper connection with someone else? If so, you probably should take a step back from that relationship and work on those before proceeding. If you're like the rest of us and simply 'have a few things you'd like to work on,' then by all means don't let that deter you from forming a meaningful and significant relationship. If it's a good match, hopefully you can help each other deal with your issues and grow from it.
Is there something about yourself you aren't happy with? Do you feel angry, anxious, stressed out, or something along those lines? These are not definitive relationship enders. What IS a proven method to destroy anything good in your life, is letting whatever concerns you may have get the best of you and render you incapable of rational decision making and action. If you're struggling with something, the best thing you can do is inform your partner. Let them know what you're feeling and if you can, why you feel that way about certain things. More importantly, let them know they're not the cause of it (if they are you may want to find a new partner), and that you're willing and interested in changing that aspect of yourself. Hopefully they will appreciate your honesty and offer support.
While we cannot always expect someone else to understand what we're feeling and experiencing, we should always expect someone who cares about us to be interested and willing to try. As an example, having a partner with a serious or debilitating problem like anxiety or depression hurts both parties in the relationship. Knowing that the person with the problem sincerely wants to take steps to change it shows commitment not only to themselves, but to improving the relationship. If someone you love shares this with you, you should be excited they realize there is a problem, and supportive of changes they're willing to make to improve it.
If you feel like it's your "other half" who has the "problem," then it's beneficial for you to try to address it with them in a supportive and open-minded manner. One of the things I've seen most often in situations like this is judgmental, un-constructive blame and argument without purpose. Simply accusing someone of acting in a way that they probably know they're acting, is not inherently helpful. Understandably, if your partner is having a negative emotional reaction, you will be inclined to react emotionally as well. Just keep in mind that telling someone who is already upset, that they're making YOU upset by the way they're behaving (feeling), will be of no help to either of you.
Asking them nicely about a situation that makes you unhappy or uncomfortable/worried is a way of expressing concern as well as compassion. It's important to clarify that you're not blaming them, rather that you're concerned and would like to help them get what they need to feel better or behave differently. This can be difficult to address in a way that doesn't upset the other person, but if it's an on-going problem that you believe is hindering the relationship, it needs to be addressed. If it doesn't go over well the first time you try, don't give up. Sometimes it feels like we're being attacked when others point out our problems, especially when that someone is very close to us.
Perhaps this sounds very unrealistic to some readers, but I ask you, is continuing to maintain a relationship plagued with a problem that is hurting one or both parties more realistic and likely to succeed in the long-term? Probably not. I hear time and time again that one person ended the relationship because they simply "couldn't take it anymore." Whatever 'it' was, I'm guessing it could have been addressed in a constructive way that might have helped the relationship stay intact.
Another huge, if not the biggest problem I can think of with these types of situations, is emotional control. By that I mean the capacity of both individuals to avoid succumbing to emotions when a difficult topic comes up. I'm in no way suggesting the emotion itself should be avoided; often it is the emotion that is causing the problem to begin with. I'm simply stating that when you're discussing something emotionally charged with a partner, the best thing you can do for both of you is try your best to refrain from making irrational statements based solely on how you're feeling during the conversation. Discussing hard topics makes everyone react differently, but typically some of that reaction is emotional. While understanding that emotion may be the key to eventually understanding how to avoid the problem in the first place, it is a dead-end when beginning difficult discussions.
If you're consistently having an emotional reaction to something your partner says or does, it may be helpful to take some time for yourself to process the situation prior to addressing it with them. Take some time to relax, letting the emotion pass, and write down your thoughts about what happens when the situation comes up. If you find yourself thinking things like "I get really angry/anxious when..." try to think harder about what specifically makes you become angry or anxious. Try to pinpoint what it is about that situation that causes you to have that emotion, that other stressful situations do not have. It's crucial to have a clear discussion in mind before addressing any type of emotional content with your partner.
I myself have learned from this strategy. I recall always getting anxious and feeling panicky prior to certain events. I would get extremely upset, hyperventilate and often feel very out of control and sick. Although the reaction occurred on cue every time the situation came up, I felt powerless to explain to him why I was having it. It was uncomfortable for me, as it impaired me from having any discussion about it while I was in that state of mind. It was uncomfortable for him because all he could see was me crying and having difficulty breathing, and had no idea how to make me feel better or how to have avoided it in the first place. Eventually after much deliberation on my part, I had some idea of the specific aspects of these circumstances that caused me to have my emotional overflows. After realizing what those were, I could finally tell him what was going through my mind when I reacted that way, and we were able to come up with ideas on how to approach the situations a little differently so I wouldn't feel that way about them. As I mentioned in an earlier post, practice makes perfect. The more you understand about yourself, the better you become at avoiding unpleasantries.
In addition to self-reflection and taking the time to consider everything associated with my emotions AFTER they had returned to normal, having an understanding and patient partner played an incredible role in my overcoming these reactions. It's hard enough to try to figure yourself out, it's nearly impossible to do that with someone you care about yelling at you and blaming you for feeling the way you do.
When dealing with someone else's problems, it all comes down to communication and patience. If you can, communicate about what they're feeling and how it's affecting you. If you can't, simply expressing compassion and patience for the other person feeling the emotion goes a long long way. Over time, making someone feel completely comfortable with you will only make the recovery process faster and easier for both of you. If it's emotion, assume first that you have no idea or way of understanding what that is like for the person experiencing it. Secondly, realize how uncomfortable it makes them and realize they're not choosing to react that way. If you can develop empathy and simple patience, the worst that can happen is eventually finding a way to be closer to each other and make each other happier along the way.
Of course it's still true that you have to love yourself before you can (functionally) love another, but aside from that there is quite a bit to consider.
First of all, even if you do have personal issues at stake there are ways of going about a relationship with someone else that I would consider "DO's" and "DON'Ts." Primarily, are you actively engaged in your problems to a level that prevents deeper connection with someone else? If so, you probably should take a step back from that relationship and work on those before proceeding. If you're like the rest of us and simply 'have a few things you'd like to work on,' then by all means don't let that deter you from forming a meaningful and significant relationship. If it's a good match, hopefully you can help each other deal with your issues and grow from it.
Is there something about yourself you aren't happy with? Do you feel angry, anxious, stressed out, or something along those lines? These are not definitive relationship enders. What IS a proven method to destroy anything good in your life, is letting whatever concerns you may have get the best of you and render you incapable of rational decision making and action. If you're struggling with something, the best thing you can do is inform your partner. Let them know what you're feeling and if you can, why you feel that way about certain things. More importantly, let them know they're not the cause of it (if they are you may want to find a new partner), and that you're willing and interested in changing that aspect of yourself. Hopefully they will appreciate your honesty and offer support.
While we cannot always expect someone else to understand what we're feeling and experiencing, we should always expect someone who cares about us to be interested and willing to try. As an example, having a partner with a serious or debilitating problem like anxiety or depression hurts both parties in the relationship. Knowing that the person with the problem sincerely wants to take steps to change it shows commitment not only to themselves, but to improving the relationship. If someone you love shares this with you, you should be excited they realize there is a problem, and supportive of changes they're willing to make to improve it.
If you feel like it's your "other half" who has the "problem," then it's beneficial for you to try to address it with them in a supportive and open-minded manner. One of the things I've seen most often in situations like this is judgmental, un-constructive blame and argument without purpose. Simply accusing someone of acting in a way that they probably know they're acting, is not inherently helpful. Understandably, if your partner is having a negative emotional reaction, you will be inclined to react emotionally as well. Just keep in mind that telling someone who is already upset, that they're making YOU upset by the way they're behaving (feeling), will be of no help to either of you.
Asking them nicely about a situation that makes you unhappy or uncomfortable/worried is a way of expressing concern as well as compassion. It's important to clarify that you're not blaming them, rather that you're concerned and would like to help them get what they need to feel better or behave differently. This can be difficult to address in a way that doesn't upset the other person, but if it's an on-going problem that you believe is hindering the relationship, it needs to be addressed. If it doesn't go over well the first time you try, don't give up. Sometimes it feels like we're being attacked when others point out our problems, especially when that someone is very close to us.
Perhaps this sounds very unrealistic to some readers, but I ask you, is continuing to maintain a relationship plagued with a problem that is hurting one or both parties more realistic and likely to succeed in the long-term? Probably not. I hear time and time again that one person ended the relationship because they simply "couldn't take it anymore." Whatever 'it' was, I'm guessing it could have been addressed in a constructive way that might have helped the relationship stay intact.
Another huge, if not the biggest problem I can think of with these types of situations, is emotional control. By that I mean the capacity of both individuals to avoid succumbing to emotions when a difficult topic comes up. I'm in no way suggesting the emotion itself should be avoided; often it is the emotion that is causing the problem to begin with. I'm simply stating that when you're discussing something emotionally charged with a partner, the best thing you can do for both of you is try your best to refrain from making irrational statements based solely on how you're feeling during the conversation. Discussing hard topics makes everyone react differently, but typically some of that reaction is emotional. While understanding that emotion may be the key to eventually understanding how to avoid the problem in the first place, it is a dead-end when beginning difficult discussions.
If you're consistently having an emotional reaction to something your partner says or does, it may be helpful to take some time for yourself to process the situation prior to addressing it with them. Take some time to relax, letting the emotion pass, and write down your thoughts about what happens when the situation comes up. If you find yourself thinking things like "I get really angry/anxious when..." try to think harder about what specifically makes you become angry or anxious. Try to pinpoint what it is about that situation that causes you to have that emotion, that other stressful situations do not have. It's crucial to have a clear discussion in mind before addressing any type of emotional content with your partner.
I myself have learned from this strategy. I recall always getting anxious and feeling panicky prior to certain events. I would get extremely upset, hyperventilate and often feel very out of control and sick. Although the reaction occurred on cue every time the situation came up, I felt powerless to explain to him why I was having it. It was uncomfortable for me, as it impaired me from having any discussion about it while I was in that state of mind. It was uncomfortable for him because all he could see was me crying and having difficulty breathing, and had no idea how to make me feel better or how to have avoided it in the first place. Eventually after much deliberation on my part, I had some idea of the specific aspects of these circumstances that caused me to have my emotional overflows. After realizing what those were, I could finally tell him what was going through my mind when I reacted that way, and we were able to come up with ideas on how to approach the situations a little differently so I wouldn't feel that way about them. As I mentioned in an earlier post, practice makes perfect. The more you understand about yourself, the better you become at avoiding unpleasantries.
In addition to self-reflection and taking the time to consider everything associated with my emotions AFTER they had returned to normal, having an understanding and patient partner played an incredible role in my overcoming these reactions. It's hard enough to try to figure yourself out, it's nearly impossible to do that with someone you care about yelling at you and blaming you for feeling the way you do.
When dealing with someone else's problems, it all comes down to communication and patience. If you can, communicate about what they're feeling and how it's affecting you. If you can't, simply expressing compassion and patience for the other person feeling the emotion goes a long long way. Over time, making someone feel completely comfortable with you will only make the recovery process faster and easier for both of you. If it's emotion, assume first that you have no idea or way of understanding what that is like for the person experiencing it. Secondly, realize how uncomfortable it makes them and realize they're not choosing to react that way. If you can develop empathy and simple patience, the worst that can happen is eventually finding a way to be closer to each other and make each other happier along the way.
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