Turning Over a New Leaf......

Well this is a place I haven't found myself in for awhile. Sure I've graduated college, changed boyfriends, gotten engaged even.....but this is the first time in 8 years I'm losing a job and having to find another. Or not.

Basically the non-profit organization I've worked at for the past 8 years has gone through a lot of changes. My main job-provider left to start her own research firm, the project I was directing still had over a year left, and I was in graduate school. So I stayed.

Then it all changed. I took time off from school. My entire work realm changed from at home to having an office again. I had a new "supervisor" who I had to train to do everything. Including supervise me. I watched our entire office shrink to just 8 people. Suddenly my job was in similar jeopardy. I went from a 12-month contract to a 3-month contract.

I tried to apply for similar jobs in my field. I've never NOT gotten a job that I interviewed for in the past. I've rarely even missed the opportunity for the interview. But this time most places didn't call back, and the ones I interviewed at either lost their funding and couldn't offer me the job or just didn't get back to me. It was a new world.

I wouldn't say it was a world I was failing in; I'd gotten back into graduate school which was my main goal anyway, I was sick of working, and I'd just accepted a proposal from my partner of 6 years. Things were basically going very well. But the lack of job security really messed with my head.

I went from having an unlimited potential for working and even changing fields.....to nothing. Praying I'd qualify for unemployment while I waited for my government loans to come through to pay for graduate school. For the first few months, I was ok with this knowledge. I continued to apply for jobs and hope for the best. Then I started to find reasons to hate my current job and eagerly await its end. Then I realized I had less than 2 weeks left and I was out of strong irrational emotions to cover up my real ones.

What did I feel? What do I feel? I feel scared....I've never NOT worked since I was 14. I feel comfort that I don't have to stress my body waking up early every morning. Happiness that I can devote my next few months to yoga and cooking healthy meals for Mike and I, and cleaning the house and being domestic. I'm kinda looking forward to being Mrs. 1950 with the addition of yoga and meditation. I'm free to be peaceful finally.

But I'm afraid. What I'm "preparing" myself for, being healthy and happy, is going back to graduate school. Something I found quite repugnant and harmful the last time around. Granted, I feel like the choice of schools I've made this time around is much closer to my ideal and will be the right fit for me.....but still, re-embarking on this nightmare to fulfill my dream job goals is scary. I'm a little bit afraid. Boldly confident to plunge forward, and I will.....but afraid, nonetheless.

But I guess that's what you do.....you just plunge in and ask questions later. Not that I haven't asked questions. But for now my questions are answered and my decision is yes....do it. So we'll see. Damn you fear, here I come.