New home, new life, soon to be new wife

It's natural when one is in transistion to feel a bit anxious, happy yet uncertain and a lot of excitement mixed with stress. This can be true of any change, be it jobs, relationships, schools or relocating to a new environment. As humans we're built to adjust, and most of us enjoy a bit of change here and there. Ideally the adjustments come at a pace we can handle, but in many cases they don't. That is certainly where I stand at present. My mind is racing through so many "to-dos" that even my thought process and writing is impaired. Even so, I feel it should be transcribed if for nothing more than to clear my head and have a record of how much one can be capable of when I look back on this from a calmer peace of mind.

Where to begin.....a simple description, of all the things that have changed in my life within the last year or so. I've mentioned my earlier struggles with graduate school before so I won't go back there, only to mention that about a year and a half ago I had just stopped attending that program. I went back to work and within the next year my entire life changed. My research funding ended, I was unemployed. I got engaged, looked for a new path, and got accepted into a new graduate program. During those few months between unemployment and school, I experienced for the first time ever what unemployment truly feels like. It wasn't about the money, it was the lack of purpose. I took up exercise, eating better, stopped taking my ADHD medication I'd hated but needed for school, and found some sort of peace in my quiet, solo rituals.

School began, I met new people, my brain reawakened with knowledge I'd missed. I realized that time off was wonderful because it made me realize that I love learning and need to be engaged in some form of it or I feel bored and listless. I'm not ashamed to admit I read scientific articles for fun during my time off of school. Then began the wedding planning, something I never realized was so involved. Crazy and stressful yet worth it for the end result of a day that will hopefully be unforgettable.

It was at this time I decided to go forward with something I'd been thinking of for nearly 15 years, converting to Judaism. I wasn't sure how it would turn out, but it was a wonderful process my fiance and I embarked on together. Our weekly meetings with the Rabbi always incited great spiritual conversation over the dinner we'd share after each of them.

Simultaneously while trying not to fail out of school, still adjusting to new friends and classmates, converting to Judaism and planning a wedding, another adventure fell on our laps. We had to move, our rent was up and we didn't want to leave our neighborhood. The apartment literally two doors down suddenly went up for sale, I made friends with the owner, and without a single hang-up we were homeowners in less than a month. Then came the visions in my head, those pictures I'd seen in magazines of the beautiful painted rooms decorated a certain way that I always told myself I'd get to create when I had a home. Well suddenly we had a home, and it felt like starting from scratch. We changed everything from flooring to paint to switch plate covers because I'm that into the details. We have probably visited home depot 15 times in the last 2 weeks. I'm pretty sure the people in the paint department know us.

Looking back a year ago, my biggest fear was being unable to pursue my career by finishing school. My first experience was so different from what I'd expected I began to doubt whether I'd made a mistake. Maybe I wasn't meant for this type of work. But what did I have to fall back on, and what else could I do when this is what I loved? I stressed every day until school started, constantly worried I'd fail. The second I got engaged and we started my religious conversion and planning a wedding, school was the last thing on my mind.

It's so crazy to think back to how little I used to feel I could handle just a few years ago. I felt like I tried so hard and never got enough work done, and wondered if I could truly "grow up" and have a life I felt comfortable with. Normally lots of change would stress me out and I'd probably be less functional, but somehow this time with more on my plate than I'd ever dreamed possible, I'm tired but fully succeeding. I think I learned a few things the first time around, how to work smarter not harder. I learned how to prioritize, how to be more organized, and to always take time out regularly. Even if you don't think you have the free time, it has to be done or you go insane.

So I sit here now, in this lovely, painted, mostly unpacked new house, literally in shock because it all happened so fast. I'm getting married in exactly 8 weeks, and that is completely crazy. Despite planning for what seems like ages, I still feel we have so much to do. I bought a dress but havent picked it up or had it fitted, and a whole list of other things I'd rather not think about. Then in between that, in just two days actually, I'll become a member of an entirely new religion. That is profound and quite moving and I'm feeling anxious, excited and very humbled. Then there's the housewarming, the wedding parties, cramming every last detail that needs to be fixed in my life somewhere inbetween now and the wedding, and literally the day after the wedding I start my new internship and another year of graduate school.

Generally I understand that this stress load is tolerable because I have a great future hubby helping me through every last bit of it, and despite all the change and chaos, its positive chaos. All of the things that have changed in my life are wonderful, just doing it all at once it insane. Well, that was probably the worst written blog I've ever composed but there it is. It needed to be said and thats what came out. And that was all she wrote.

Updates....its been awhile

So my last post, on re-reading seems a bit anxious and uncertain. My new circumstances of unemployment and an uncertain future looming ahead. I guess I've been busy enough to not post anything since that time, but for now things are working out splendidly. No work, no definitive future planned out, nothing but happy obligations I've chosen for myself.

I took the time off that I'd mentioned and planned for; the exercise, the self-realignment, the preparation to re-endulge in that abyss I'll call grad school. I was scared yet prepared and the first semester turned out great. My experiences so far in my new curriculum far surpass anything I ever experienced at my last school. There is no cut throat competition, no snide remarks, no hostile faculty looming overhead ready to write gloomy evaluations on a whim.

The new school is friendly! The classmates are confident and happy. Most of them unburdened by the experience of a previous graduate degree gone wrong like I have experienced, are happy to meet new colleagues and share their help in class when asked for it. Projects are collaborative, TAs are helpful, and professors are seemingly happy to be professors and appear to feel responsible for teaching. These are all new highlights of my new program of study.

It's the same type of study (clinical psychology), which just screams "neurotic individuals, lost and seeking self-reprise," but it's completely different, the way I'd imagined graduate study should be in the first place. Questions are answered, groups are formed, study notes and texts and PDFs are exchanged freely. Friends are made between class quiznos breaks, and lab partners are willing to spend time after class with you and even help you make your assignment better than it would have been without that help.

I've watched some fail, drop of out my classes and neglect to read their weekly assignments. I've seen others destined to succeed; doing the work, collaborating and trying their best to keep ahead of all the work we're assigned. The difference here is that we're in it together; and if you have a problem you can share it with your classmates and find refuge in their offerings of help.

So far, I love it. The professors are reasonable, they enjoy having you if you try. They understand if you miss one day out of the semester for an illness, and they actually send you notes and powerpoints to cover what you missed. Classmates send you their notes too, unsolicited. It's a magical environment that I always envisioned an institution of higher learning would be like. People share their ideas, provide you with help when you're sick, and ask you advice when you're doing well. Before classes, people mingle in the halls. They're not downtrodden with the demands of school, but happy to make the acquaintances of new colleagues studying what they're interested in. I'd classify the environment as one of help, not competition. We're all only as good as our group projects, as our class discussions, and only as prepared as our PDF articles emailed amongst us can allow.

Different environment to say the least.....just a few months ago I was scared. Now I'm happy. I fit here. It's a long winded story of struggle that finally seems to have come to a happy resting place where it all makes sense. Don't give up, and you'll figure it out in the end.