Living a green lifestyle is certainly good for the planet, but there’s more to it than that. Green living can have a significant psychological impact as well. People aren’t just brainwashed and pressured into being eco-friendly. While humans are creatures of habit, there is an intrinsic value that comes along with green living that can make us feel good about our actions to help protect the environment. Here are a few of the other psychological benefits of green living.
Increased Awareness and Thoughtfulness
Living a green life can awaken feelings of increased awareness and thoughtfulness. Some might consider learning to care for the environment similar to learning to care for a child. Your actions change, you look at things in a different way, and you begin to realize that there is more out there than just you, your wants and your needs. There is now a larger responsibility involved and you must think of how your actions affect others, including not only others and future generations, but plants, animals, and the planet as a whole.
A Cleaner More Efficient Lifestyle
You may realize that living green can impact your entire lifestyle. Learning how to make due with less, conserve resources, and waste less to reduce your environmental impact may lead you to live a more organized, efficient life. This psychological change could have your de-cluttering your home, shopping less, cooking better, growing your own food, and making a whole variety of lifestyle adjustments.
Peace of Mind
Knowing that you’re doing your part to make the world a better place in which to live, can be incredibly freeing. While you might still have worries regarding global warming, a deteriorating ozone layer, and the human race’s impact upon all other earthly creatures, you do have that sliver of peace of mind knowing that you are making a difference through green living and maybe influencing others to do the same.
Reduced Feelings of Guilt/Remorse
Looking back on the days before you realized that your actions were having an environmentally harmful impact; you probably have some feelings of guilt and remorse for some of your actions. Maybe you remember the time you went camping and threw your soda cans in the bushes. It could be the thought of all those plastic jugs and bottles you used to put out with the garbage that makes your stomach churn. But now you can push those feelings aside and know that you are trying to rectify those previous wrongs, and you don’t have to feel guilty about harming the world in which future generations must live.
Jamie enjoys writing about the different ways to manage life's challenges. She is a college professor and a licensed counselor in Houston. Jamie has been helping women and adolescent girls deal with depression, anger, grief and more for nearly a decade.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Guest Post: Psychological Benefits of Living Green
I'm pleased to have my first guest blog post from Jamie M. Leonard MEd. LPC writing about the benefits of living green. Please enjoy the below post.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
How to love: Vol 2 (When to Shut Up)
While I'm on the topic of building better relationships with the people we love, let's discuss another important feature in maintaining/improving those relationships. Some call it "picking your battles," I prefer to call it "knowing when to shut up."
I guess we all have those little things about our relationship partners that irk us. Perhaps some of those "little things" feel like very large annoying things. Whatever your situation is, you can always benefit from knowing when to discuss and when to stay silent.
I'm sure we've all seen and heard the clique old married couple, bickering over everything and anything from who was supposed to pick up the dry cleaning to who forgot to send in the electric bill on time. We're also probably watched some of these scenarios unfolding, wondering why on earth two otherwise happy people would succumb to such petty arguments. Perhaps part of it comes with the territory of knowing someone so well that you've become so accustomed to their "flaws" that you feel appropriate commenting on them. Maybe you've reached a point where you're literally so pissed off that your partner can't seem to ever remember to do a simple task you've asked of them, that you're ready for war. Either way, you should reconsider the value starting a fight over nothing.
If it's a legitimate problem (your husband continually leaves your child at school on his day for carpool pick up because he loses track of the time while out gambling with his buddies), then I would encourage a candid discussion. If it's a petty concern (as annoying as it may be to remind someone of the same thing a hundred times and still have them forget to do it), stop before you bite. Is this situation significantly affecting any part of your life or relationship? Is it endangering either of you? Is there anything truly horrific that will likely result from neglecting it? If the answer is 'no' then let it go. We will never have everything completely within our control, no matter how much we remind someone or nag them. If it really isn't significant, than you're doing your relationship a huge service by just letting it go.
It seems silly at first, but over time these are the exact types of things that lead people who were once happy, to arrive at a point where they feel so much is going wrong with their relationship it is beyond repair. It may have started with the little things, the nagging to do this or that, followed by the argument over how they forgot AGAIN to do it, but somehow enough little things all become part of one BIG thing in the end. Suddenly everything is a fight over absolutely nothing, and the good parts that should be mentioned (about what someone DID do), become neglected. This type of communication becomes a pattern, and once you're in a pattern you feel it's always been a pattern. Or at the very least you don't remember how things were before you fell into that pattern, and it seems like the best thing to do is give up and find someone else to fall into a new pattern with.
This may sound fatalistic, but it's the day-to-day things that keep us happy and content in our lives. When you have a bad day at work you may hate your job and want to leave, but you don't because you realize it's just a bad day in a series of other days ahead that are likely to be better. When you have a lot of bad days at work, you forget why you ever liked working there in the first place, and actively search for a way out. Your current dismay with the situation colors future interactions at work negatively, and before long all you notice are the annoying parts of your job that make you hate it. Any type of personal relationship can take the same course if we're not careful to choose our complaints wisely. Ever had a friend you kept hanging out with, even though every time you spent time with them you came home feeling depressed and miserable? I'm guessing it didn't take long for you to completely forget why you'd made friends with that person in the first place. And I'm certain it took even less time to stop making plans with that friend altogether.
Relationships with a significant other can sadly go the same way. It may take more time, because we're invested in the long-term thing, be it a marriage or monogamous relationship, but if the pattern endures it too will lead us to conclude we need a way out. If you think back to the interactions you had with your partner this week and find that a lot of little fights come to mind, try to think about what caused them. Were they important? Was the fight productive in the end? Did anything change or did you continue to fight about the same things over and over again? If you're not careful, you'll start to associate the partner you once loved with someone who brings you stress and annoyance. And our minds like to be comfortable. We won't stick around a bad situation for long, if we're healthy. As much as we'd like to say "no, that won't happen to me," our brains are wired to associate repetition with reality. And unless you're mentally sick yourself, we're also wired to seek out optimal happiness for ourselves. So instead of building up that pattern of negative interactions that spiral out of control, focus on what is being done RIGHT, what that person is doing that makes you consistently HAPPY. But don't keep it to yourself, share it with them! And if you practice enough, learning when to shut up and when to share may just keep you that way.
I guess we all have those little things about our relationship partners that irk us. Perhaps some of those "little things" feel like very large annoying things. Whatever your situation is, you can always benefit from knowing when to discuss and when to stay silent.
I'm sure we've all seen and heard the clique old married couple, bickering over everything and anything from who was supposed to pick up the dry cleaning to who forgot to send in the electric bill on time. We're also probably watched some of these scenarios unfolding, wondering why on earth two otherwise happy people would succumb to such petty arguments. Perhaps part of it comes with the territory of knowing someone so well that you've become so accustomed to their "flaws" that you feel appropriate commenting on them. Maybe you've reached a point where you're literally so pissed off that your partner can't seem to ever remember to do a simple task you've asked of them, that you're ready for war. Either way, you should reconsider the value starting a fight over nothing.
If it's a legitimate problem (your husband continually leaves your child at school on his day for carpool pick up because he loses track of the time while out gambling with his buddies), then I would encourage a candid discussion. If it's a petty concern (as annoying as it may be to remind someone of the same thing a hundred times and still have them forget to do it), stop before you bite. Is this situation significantly affecting any part of your life or relationship? Is it endangering either of you? Is there anything truly horrific that will likely result from neglecting it? If the answer is 'no' then let it go. We will never have everything completely within our control, no matter how much we remind someone or nag them. If it really isn't significant, than you're doing your relationship a huge service by just letting it go.
It seems silly at first, but over time these are the exact types of things that lead people who were once happy, to arrive at a point where they feel so much is going wrong with their relationship it is beyond repair. It may have started with the little things, the nagging to do this or that, followed by the argument over how they forgot AGAIN to do it, but somehow enough little things all become part of one BIG thing in the end. Suddenly everything is a fight over absolutely nothing, and the good parts that should be mentioned (about what someone DID do), become neglected. This type of communication becomes a pattern, and once you're in a pattern you feel it's always been a pattern. Or at the very least you don't remember how things were before you fell into that pattern, and it seems like the best thing to do is give up and find someone else to fall into a new pattern with.
This may sound fatalistic, but it's the day-to-day things that keep us happy and content in our lives. When you have a bad day at work you may hate your job and want to leave, but you don't because you realize it's just a bad day in a series of other days ahead that are likely to be better. When you have a lot of bad days at work, you forget why you ever liked working there in the first place, and actively search for a way out. Your current dismay with the situation colors future interactions at work negatively, and before long all you notice are the annoying parts of your job that make you hate it. Any type of personal relationship can take the same course if we're not careful to choose our complaints wisely. Ever had a friend you kept hanging out with, even though every time you spent time with them you came home feeling depressed and miserable? I'm guessing it didn't take long for you to completely forget why you'd made friends with that person in the first place. And I'm certain it took even less time to stop making plans with that friend altogether.
Relationships with a significant other can sadly go the same way. It may take more time, because we're invested in the long-term thing, be it a marriage or monogamous relationship, but if the pattern endures it too will lead us to conclude we need a way out. If you think back to the interactions you had with your partner this week and find that a lot of little fights come to mind, try to think about what caused them. Were they important? Was the fight productive in the end? Did anything change or did you continue to fight about the same things over and over again? If you're not careful, you'll start to associate the partner you once loved with someone who brings you stress and annoyance. And our minds like to be comfortable. We won't stick around a bad situation for long, if we're healthy. As much as we'd like to say "no, that won't happen to me," our brains are wired to associate repetition with reality. And unless you're mentally sick yourself, we're also wired to seek out optimal happiness for ourselves. So instead of building up that pattern of negative interactions that spiral out of control, focus on what is being done RIGHT, what that person is doing that makes you consistently HAPPY. But don't keep it to yourself, share it with them! And if you practice enough, learning when to shut up and when to share may just keep you that way.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
How to Love: Vol 1
I'm writing this article partially as someone who can speak from experience, and also as someone who has observed the actions of others causing their relationships to go horribly awry. Feel free to comment/disagree with your own stories.
Of course it's still true that you have to love yourself before you can (functionally) love another, but aside from that there is quite a bit to consider.
First of all, even if you do have personal issues at stake there are ways of going about a relationship with someone else that I would consider "DO's" and "DON'Ts." Primarily, are you actively engaged in your problems to a level that prevents deeper connection with someone else? If so, you probably should take a step back from that relationship and work on those before proceeding. If you're like the rest of us and simply 'have a few things you'd like to work on,' then by all means don't let that deter you from forming a meaningful and significant relationship. If it's a good match, hopefully you can help each other deal with your issues and grow from it.
Is there something about yourself you aren't happy with? Do you feel angry, anxious, stressed out, or something along those lines? These are not definitive relationship enders. What IS a proven method to destroy anything good in your life, is letting whatever concerns you may have get the best of you and render you incapable of rational decision making and action. If you're struggling with something, the best thing you can do is inform your partner. Let them know what you're feeling and if you can, why you feel that way about certain things. More importantly, let them know they're not the cause of it (if they are you may want to find a new partner), and that you're willing and interested in changing that aspect of yourself. Hopefully they will appreciate your honesty and offer support.
While we cannot always expect someone else to understand what we're feeling and experiencing, we should always expect someone who cares about us to be interested and willing to try. As an example, having a partner with a serious or debilitating problem like anxiety or depression hurts both parties in the relationship. Knowing that the person with the problem sincerely wants to take steps to change it shows commitment not only to themselves, but to improving the relationship. If someone you love shares this with you, you should be excited they realize there is a problem, and supportive of changes they're willing to make to improve it.
If you feel like it's your "other half" who has the "problem," then it's beneficial for you to try to address it with them in a supportive and open-minded manner. One of the things I've seen most often in situations like this is judgmental, un-constructive blame and argument without purpose. Simply accusing someone of acting in a way that they probably know they're acting, is not inherently helpful. Understandably, if your partner is having a negative emotional reaction, you will be inclined to react emotionally as well. Just keep in mind that telling someone who is already upset, that they're making YOU upset by the way they're behaving (feeling), will be of no help to either of you.
Asking them nicely about a situation that makes you unhappy or uncomfortable/worried is a way of expressing concern as well as compassion. It's important to clarify that you're not blaming them, rather that you're concerned and would like to help them get what they need to feel better or behave differently. This can be difficult to address in a way that doesn't upset the other person, but if it's an on-going problem that you believe is hindering the relationship, it needs to be addressed. If it doesn't go over well the first time you try, don't give up. Sometimes it feels like we're being attacked when others point out our problems, especially when that someone is very close to us.
Perhaps this sounds very unrealistic to some readers, but I ask you, is continuing to maintain a relationship plagued with a problem that is hurting one or both parties more realistic and likely to succeed in the long-term? Probably not. I hear time and time again that one person ended the relationship because they simply "couldn't take it anymore." Whatever 'it' was, I'm guessing it could have been addressed in a constructive way that might have helped the relationship stay intact.
Another huge, if not the biggest problem I can think of with these types of situations, is emotional control. By that I mean the capacity of both individuals to avoid succumbing to emotions when a difficult topic comes up. I'm in no way suggesting the emotion itself should be avoided; often it is the emotion that is causing the problem to begin with. I'm simply stating that when you're discussing something emotionally charged with a partner, the best thing you can do for both of you is try your best to refrain from making irrational statements based solely on how you're feeling during the conversation. Discussing hard topics makes everyone react differently, but typically some of that reaction is emotional. While understanding that emotion may be the key to eventually understanding how to avoid the problem in the first place, it is a dead-end when beginning difficult discussions.
If you're consistently having an emotional reaction to something your partner says or does, it may be helpful to take some time for yourself to process the situation prior to addressing it with them. Take some time to relax, letting the emotion pass, and write down your thoughts about what happens when the situation comes up. If you find yourself thinking things like "I get really angry/anxious when..." try to think harder about what specifically makes you become angry or anxious. Try to pinpoint what it is about that situation that causes you to have that emotion, that other stressful situations do not have. It's crucial to have a clear discussion in mind before addressing any type of emotional content with your partner.
I myself have learned from this strategy. I recall always getting anxious and feeling panicky prior to certain events. I would get extremely upset, hyperventilate and often feel very out of control and sick. Although the reaction occurred on cue every time the situation came up, I felt powerless to explain to him why I was having it. It was uncomfortable for me, as it impaired me from having any discussion about it while I was in that state of mind. It was uncomfortable for him because all he could see was me crying and having difficulty breathing, and had no idea how to make me feel better or how to have avoided it in the first place. Eventually after much deliberation on my part, I had some idea of the specific aspects of these circumstances that caused me to have my emotional overflows. After realizing what those were, I could finally tell him what was going through my mind when I reacted that way, and we were able to come up with ideas on how to approach the situations a little differently so I wouldn't feel that way about them. As I mentioned in an earlier post, practice makes perfect. The more you understand about yourself, the better you become at avoiding unpleasantries.
In addition to self-reflection and taking the time to consider everything associated with my emotions AFTER they had returned to normal, having an understanding and patient partner played an incredible role in my overcoming these reactions. It's hard enough to try to figure yourself out, it's nearly impossible to do that with someone you care about yelling at you and blaming you for feeling the way you do.
When dealing with someone else's problems, it all comes down to communication and patience. If you can, communicate about what they're feeling and how it's affecting you. If you can't, simply expressing compassion and patience for the other person feeling the emotion goes a long long way. Over time, making someone feel completely comfortable with you will only make the recovery process faster and easier for both of you. If it's emotion, assume first that you have no idea or way of understanding what that is like for the person experiencing it. Secondly, realize how uncomfortable it makes them and realize they're not choosing to react that way. If you can develop empathy and simple patience, the worst that can happen is eventually finding a way to be closer to each other and make each other happier along the way.
Of course it's still true that you have to love yourself before you can (functionally) love another, but aside from that there is quite a bit to consider.
First of all, even if you do have personal issues at stake there are ways of going about a relationship with someone else that I would consider "DO's" and "DON'Ts." Primarily, are you actively engaged in your problems to a level that prevents deeper connection with someone else? If so, you probably should take a step back from that relationship and work on those before proceeding. If you're like the rest of us and simply 'have a few things you'd like to work on,' then by all means don't let that deter you from forming a meaningful and significant relationship. If it's a good match, hopefully you can help each other deal with your issues and grow from it.
Is there something about yourself you aren't happy with? Do you feel angry, anxious, stressed out, or something along those lines? These are not definitive relationship enders. What IS a proven method to destroy anything good in your life, is letting whatever concerns you may have get the best of you and render you incapable of rational decision making and action. If you're struggling with something, the best thing you can do is inform your partner. Let them know what you're feeling and if you can, why you feel that way about certain things. More importantly, let them know they're not the cause of it (if they are you may want to find a new partner), and that you're willing and interested in changing that aspect of yourself. Hopefully they will appreciate your honesty and offer support.
While we cannot always expect someone else to understand what we're feeling and experiencing, we should always expect someone who cares about us to be interested and willing to try. As an example, having a partner with a serious or debilitating problem like anxiety or depression hurts both parties in the relationship. Knowing that the person with the problem sincerely wants to take steps to change it shows commitment not only to themselves, but to improving the relationship. If someone you love shares this with you, you should be excited they realize there is a problem, and supportive of changes they're willing to make to improve it.
If you feel like it's your "other half" who has the "problem," then it's beneficial for you to try to address it with them in a supportive and open-minded manner. One of the things I've seen most often in situations like this is judgmental, un-constructive blame and argument without purpose. Simply accusing someone of acting in a way that they probably know they're acting, is not inherently helpful. Understandably, if your partner is having a negative emotional reaction, you will be inclined to react emotionally as well. Just keep in mind that telling someone who is already upset, that they're making YOU upset by the way they're behaving (feeling), will be of no help to either of you.
Asking them nicely about a situation that makes you unhappy or uncomfortable/worried is a way of expressing concern as well as compassion. It's important to clarify that you're not blaming them, rather that you're concerned and would like to help them get what they need to feel better or behave differently. This can be difficult to address in a way that doesn't upset the other person, but if it's an on-going problem that you believe is hindering the relationship, it needs to be addressed. If it doesn't go over well the first time you try, don't give up. Sometimes it feels like we're being attacked when others point out our problems, especially when that someone is very close to us.
Perhaps this sounds very unrealistic to some readers, but I ask you, is continuing to maintain a relationship plagued with a problem that is hurting one or both parties more realistic and likely to succeed in the long-term? Probably not. I hear time and time again that one person ended the relationship because they simply "couldn't take it anymore." Whatever 'it' was, I'm guessing it could have been addressed in a constructive way that might have helped the relationship stay intact.
Another huge, if not the biggest problem I can think of with these types of situations, is emotional control. By that I mean the capacity of both individuals to avoid succumbing to emotions when a difficult topic comes up. I'm in no way suggesting the emotion itself should be avoided; often it is the emotion that is causing the problem to begin with. I'm simply stating that when you're discussing something emotionally charged with a partner, the best thing you can do for both of you is try your best to refrain from making irrational statements based solely on how you're feeling during the conversation. Discussing hard topics makes everyone react differently, but typically some of that reaction is emotional. While understanding that emotion may be the key to eventually understanding how to avoid the problem in the first place, it is a dead-end when beginning difficult discussions.
If you're consistently having an emotional reaction to something your partner says or does, it may be helpful to take some time for yourself to process the situation prior to addressing it with them. Take some time to relax, letting the emotion pass, and write down your thoughts about what happens when the situation comes up. If you find yourself thinking things like "I get really angry/anxious when..." try to think harder about what specifically makes you become angry or anxious. Try to pinpoint what it is about that situation that causes you to have that emotion, that other stressful situations do not have. It's crucial to have a clear discussion in mind before addressing any type of emotional content with your partner.
I myself have learned from this strategy. I recall always getting anxious and feeling panicky prior to certain events. I would get extremely upset, hyperventilate and often feel very out of control and sick. Although the reaction occurred on cue every time the situation came up, I felt powerless to explain to him why I was having it. It was uncomfortable for me, as it impaired me from having any discussion about it while I was in that state of mind. It was uncomfortable for him because all he could see was me crying and having difficulty breathing, and had no idea how to make me feel better or how to have avoided it in the first place. Eventually after much deliberation on my part, I had some idea of the specific aspects of these circumstances that caused me to have my emotional overflows. After realizing what those were, I could finally tell him what was going through my mind when I reacted that way, and we were able to come up with ideas on how to approach the situations a little differently so I wouldn't feel that way about them. As I mentioned in an earlier post, practice makes perfect. The more you understand about yourself, the better you become at avoiding unpleasantries.
In addition to self-reflection and taking the time to consider everything associated with my emotions AFTER they had returned to normal, having an understanding and patient partner played an incredible role in my overcoming these reactions. It's hard enough to try to figure yourself out, it's nearly impossible to do that with someone you care about yelling at you and blaming you for feeling the way you do.
When dealing with someone else's problems, it all comes down to communication and patience. If you can, communicate about what they're feeling and how it's affecting you. If you can't, simply expressing compassion and patience for the other person feeling the emotion goes a long long way. Over time, making someone feel completely comfortable with you will only make the recovery process faster and easier for both of you. If it's emotion, assume first that you have no idea or way of understanding what that is like for the person experiencing it. Secondly, realize how uncomfortable it makes them and realize they're not choosing to react that way. If you can develop empathy and simple patience, the worst that can happen is eventually finding a way to be closer to each other and make each other happier along the way.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
That magical time of the year that makes us all go insane
A holiday story of constant stress that I'm sure many can relate to. While you may not have a recurrent pattern of bad shit that happens to you every year between November and December, I'm sure the holiday stress bug has hit you at one point or another. Here is my story. My advice to you all, since all our stories are different, is to just simply ignore all your emotions that occur between mid-November and the end of December, and then party like hell when January 1st rolls around, because thank GOD it's a new freakin' year and that shit is behind you.
As I'm sitting here simultaneously feeling bored, annoyed, discontent and a number of other unpleasant emotions it hits me. I absolutely HATE this time of the year. That span of weeks between mid-November and Christmas is never marked with anything even resembling pleasant. Ironically we seem to think that decorating our houses, giving gifts and spending time with family gives this part of the year some special magical feel. For me it's full of stress that seems to be coming out of nowhere, tension over things I can't even begin to put a finger on, and an incredible wish for it all to be over as soon as possible.
When did this begin? I used to enjoy the holidays as I recall. I think it was some time after I left home for college and starting having to travel that I truly started hating the holidays. No longer were they a fun time to wake up and find a tree filled with gifts, but instead a time of hassled shopping, traveling in much-too-close quarters with other stressed out people, and always with a sense of feeling out of place since I was no longer at "home." In addition to the "seasonal blues" we read about, I can think of a series of events ranging from semi-unpleasant to traumatic that seem to occur always at this time of year.
The first in this series of events was coming home from college. I'd grown accustomed to being on my own, having my own friends, my own curfew and doing whatever I wanted, when I wanted. This was a happy time for me. To come home I'd have to leave all that behind, change my wardrobe and hairstyle completely to avoid parental scorn, and then endure however many days of being stuck there until I could come back to school. There were moments of enjoyment visiting the family, but they were always sullied by the not so subtle undertones of guilt. "Why did you move so far away? (By "so far away" of course they meant less than 2 hours). When are you going to come back and live at home with us? We miss you, you should think about your parents sometimes. How come you don't call us more often?" The constant overlying guilt and pressure would make any possible moment of holiday fun very difficult, if not impossible to enjoy. Leaving to go back to school was always my favorite part of the holiday season.
My first year away at college during that time of year, I developed cytomegalovirus and was confined to my bed in my lone dorm room for nearly a month before I had enough energy to even lift myself down the stairs. That was certainly a blast. My parents seemed unconcerned at best. They were just upset I'd chosen to move back to my dorm rather than stay at home another month, not because I was sick and they wanted to take care of me, but because they wanted me to be at home. This pattern (minus the virus) ensued for several years of undergrad, during which my grandfather passed away during the holidays (while my parents kept this information from me long enough for me to miss his funeral entirely), my pets died during the holidays, and my then boyfriend was diagnosed with a chronic incurable disease during the holidays. Worse still my mother found it deplorable for him to come stay with us when he desperately needed someone to take care of him following a very ugly adenoid and tonsil removal he'd just undergone. She couldn't understand why he was bleeding all over the pillowcase while he slept at night.
After years of that, I finally moved in with some new friends just prior to graduation. Around that time my parents gave me the option to either move back home and live with them (while they paid me) or support myself fully. I'd just started dating the love of my life and wasn't about to let them bribe me back home with money. As it were, I had a job already and figured I'd be OK. Somehow graduating college proved to be stressful itself. No longer a slacking student, I now had to actually work regularly and have money for things like food and shelter. No one ever really explained that to me. I freaked out on a regular basis as I came up short for rent time and time again, and medical bills and credit card bills grew exponentially. My parents constantly pressured me to move home, bribing me with ridiculous sums of money. I was insulted, hurt and I refused. I started having panic attacks around the holidays this time. It was a lot of fun.
I worked full time for two years, each year having to go through the same cycle of stressing out over the approaching holiday gifts I could not afford, while asking for practical things like new car tires and realizing in the end I'd have to pay for those myself as well. I was always tense at home, like I couldn't wait to get back around people who understood me enough to at least ask occasionally how I was doing. The following year I began applying to graduate schools, around the holidays. This year was especially horrible as my apparent future loomed in the foreground just out of reach. I was basically kicked off my current job and told I couldn't perform my new job without being a graduate student. My supervisor told me she was giving me this new position because "I was a star." Great, thanks for the opportunity. I wasn't even sure if I was ready to go back to school yet.
Thankfully I got into the 14th ranked school in the country for my program, and proceeded to make it work for awhile. The first year was fine, and for once the holidays meant I was simply poor, not scorned or offered advice on how to advance myself. On the contrary, my mother made it a point of telling everyone she met her daughter was going to get a PhD. The following year, again around the holidays, I found out my Uncle was going to die from cancer in 2 or 3 months. This was just 2 months after the death of my grandma which sent me into the first panic attack I'd had in 3 years. If you could even call that a panic attack....it was more like an epileptic seizure of crying that scared my otherwise totally oblivious parents enough to even suggest I take some medication. They usually tell me not to worry, and absolutely detest drugs of any sort. I was sent home early from the funeral.
I decided it was approaching a point where I couldn't stay in graduate school if it meant continuing in the way the program wanted me to be functioning. They wanted me to take on a second client. I told them honestly I was having health problems with my leg, we couldn't figure out why my muscle was acting up but it was making me late to class. We had to walk 10-15 minutes from the parking lot and I was consistently 10 minutes late. Professors seemed completely unsympathetic that an otherwise straight-A student with her thesis practically completed in her first year of the program, was having documented medical problems (and an obviously noticeable 25 lb weight-loss) that made her feel it would be irresponsible to take on a second client at that time. Sometimes I got dizzy and almost passed out in class. No one seemed to notice that either. When I heard my Uncle was dying, I realized that would be the end of any sanity I had left. I tried to make it work with the program, but they forced me to take medical leave. I was literally told "all the other students are seeing two clients right now. If you can't do that, you should take medical leave." So I did. I was angrily 2/3 of the way through the semester, a month from defending my thesis (and thus getting my master's degree), but I was so angry that these people who were ironically licensed therapists, were such assholes as to deny me that small satisfaction amidst a sea of uncertain pain I was experiencing, I no longer cared. I signed the forms and took my leave of absence.
Not that it was much of a "leave" of anything. I was still expected to direct an entire research study (conquering alone the work I now do 40 hours a week along with 2 research assistants and another 30 hour a week data manager), continue doing all the work for my courses, preparing my thesis defense and meet regularly with people at the University. I felt like I wasn't resting at all. That holiday season, all I heard was " I really hope you'll get back to school soon" from my mother. No questions about my medical problems or how I came to take medical leave in the first place. Just her hopes that I'd suck it up as soon as possible. It was as if she thought I was making the whole thing up. Everyone except my advisor and boyfriend seemed to think I was just "stressed," with no physical cause. After that period of non-rest I decided to try to come back to school since I didn't really feel like I was on leave anyway. I worked my ass off that summer to get ready to come back, taking our clinical classes as mandated. Things seemed fine, then when September rolled around my clinical supervisor gave me an F out of nowhere, without any reasonable explanation I could understand. Even she said "I felt this would come as a surprise to you and I didn't want to give you an F." Still no explanation why she did.....It was all vague and confusing, and I decided I'd been through enough. I accepted their suggestion that I withdraw from the courses, a suggestion the school gives when someone receives an F. My advisor recommended we contest it and fight, but I had no fight left in me except anger over wasting my time listening to everyone who told me to go to grad school in the first place.
That winter was even more fun. Finally I was 'free' to just work a normal 40 hours per week job like most people. No staying up til 4am, no reading hundreds of pages or writing novels about neurology. For the first time in a long time, I felt free. Instead I got to listen to how I "should have tried to talk to her (the supervisor who failed me) or stick it out a little longer, just to finish your master's." This hurtful advice, coming from someone who never set one foot into an undergraduate course, was mostly ignored on my part. What did she know? How to make me miserable and feel guilty for not still living at home at the age of 30? Yep, apparently she could play that card. I couldn't wait to get back to Maryland and be with my friends, the only people who would actually help me recover from this nightmare. It was the shortest amount of time I'd spent home for the holidays ever.
Then after a year of relative calm, came the inevitable possibility that I would lose my research job due to funding. That started last October and finally subsided in April. Now it has begun again and remains up in the air as of September. It appears my job of 8 years will be finally ending next March. My family doesn't like to address reality issues, like disease, unemployment or anything that falls outside the "happy bubble." They tell me I'm not serious about this, they keep telling me not to worry and go back to school. And what they'd like for gifts this year. This is my constant story of the holidays. Being confronted with obnoxious shit that doesn't make any sense and having to pretend I'm happy because it's the holidays. YAY! You know when my holiday starts? The millisecond between 12/31 and 1/1 that is my anniversary with my Beebo. That is the only reason I don't kill myself during the holidays. Thankfully there is a light at the end of the holiday death tunnel.
As I'm sitting here simultaneously feeling bored, annoyed, discontent and a number of other unpleasant emotions it hits me. I absolutely HATE this time of the year. That span of weeks between mid-November and Christmas is never marked with anything even resembling pleasant. Ironically we seem to think that decorating our houses, giving gifts and spending time with family gives this part of the year some special magical feel. For me it's full of stress that seems to be coming out of nowhere, tension over things I can't even begin to put a finger on, and an incredible wish for it all to be over as soon as possible.
When did this begin? I used to enjoy the holidays as I recall. I think it was some time after I left home for college and starting having to travel that I truly started hating the holidays. No longer were they a fun time to wake up and find a tree filled with gifts, but instead a time of hassled shopping, traveling in much-too-close quarters with other stressed out people, and always with a sense of feeling out of place since I was no longer at "home." In addition to the "seasonal blues" we read about, I can think of a series of events ranging from semi-unpleasant to traumatic that seem to occur always at this time of year.
The first in this series of events was coming home from college. I'd grown accustomed to being on my own, having my own friends, my own curfew and doing whatever I wanted, when I wanted. This was a happy time for me. To come home I'd have to leave all that behind, change my wardrobe and hairstyle completely to avoid parental scorn, and then endure however many days of being stuck there until I could come back to school. There were moments of enjoyment visiting the family, but they were always sullied by the not so subtle undertones of guilt. "Why did you move so far away? (By "so far away" of course they meant less than 2 hours). When are you going to come back and live at home with us? We miss you, you should think about your parents sometimes. How come you don't call us more often?" The constant overlying guilt and pressure would make any possible moment of holiday fun very difficult, if not impossible to enjoy. Leaving to go back to school was always my favorite part of the holiday season.
My first year away at college during that time of year, I developed cytomegalovirus and was confined to my bed in my lone dorm room for nearly a month before I had enough energy to even lift myself down the stairs. That was certainly a blast. My parents seemed unconcerned at best. They were just upset I'd chosen to move back to my dorm rather than stay at home another month, not because I was sick and they wanted to take care of me, but because they wanted me to be at home. This pattern (minus the virus) ensued for several years of undergrad, during which my grandfather passed away during the holidays (while my parents kept this information from me long enough for me to miss his funeral entirely), my pets died during the holidays, and my then boyfriend was diagnosed with a chronic incurable disease during the holidays. Worse still my mother found it deplorable for him to come stay with us when he desperately needed someone to take care of him following a very ugly adenoid and tonsil removal he'd just undergone. She couldn't understand why he was bleeding all over the pillowcase while he slept at night.
After years of that, I finally moved in with some new friends just prior to graduation. Around that time my parents gave me the option to either move back home and live with them (while they paid me) or support myself fully. I'd just started dating the love of my life and wasn't about to let them bribe me back home with money. As it were, I had a job already and figured I'd be OK. Somehow graduating college proved to be stressful itself. No longer a slacking student, I now had to actually work regularly and have money for things like food and shelter. No one ever really explained that to me. I freaked out on a regular basis as I came up short for rent time and time again, and medical bills and credit card bills grew exponentially. My parents constantly pressured me to move home, bribing me with ridiculous sums of money. I was insulted, hurt and I refused. I started having panic attacks around the holidays this time. It was a lot of fun.
I worked full time for two years, each year having to go through the same cycle of stressing out over the approaching holiday gifts I could not afford, while asking for practical things like new car tires and realizing in the end I'd have to pay for those myself as well. I was always tense at home, like I couldn't wait to get back around people who understood me enough to at least ask occasionally how I was doing. The following year I began applying to graduate schools, around the holidays. This year was especially horrible as my apparent future loomed in the foreground just out of reach. I was basically kicked off my current job and told I couldn't perform my new job without being a graduate student. My supervisor told me she was giving me this new position because "I was a star." Great, thanks for the opportunity. I wasn't even sure if I was ready to go back to school yet.
Thankfully I got into the 14th ranked school in the country for my program, and proceeded to make it work for awhile. The first year was fine, and for once the holidays meant I was simply poor, not scorned or offered advice on how to advance myself. On the contrary, my mother made it a point of telling everyone she met her daughter was going to get a PhD. The following year, again around the holidays, I found out my Uncle was going to die from cancer in 2 or 3 months. This was just 2 months after the death of my grandma which sent me into the first panic attack I'd had in 3 years. If you could even call that a panic attack....it was more like an epileptic seizure of crying that scared my otherwise totally oblivious parents enough to even suggest I take some medication. They usually tell me not to worry, and absolutely detest drugs of any sort. I was sent home early from the funeral.
I decided it was approaching a point where I couldn't stay in graduate school if it meant continuing in the way the program wanted me to be functioning. They wanted me to take on a second client. I told them honestly I was having health problems with my leg, we couldn't figure out why my muscle was acting up but it was making me late to class. We had to walk 10-15 minutes from the parking lot and I was consistently 10 minutes late. Professors seemed completely unsympathetic that an otherwise straight-A student with her thesis practically completed in her first year of the program, was having documented medical problems (and an obviously noticeable 25 lb weight-loss) that made her feel it would be irresponsible to take on a second client at that time. Sometimes I got dizzy and almost passed out in class. No one seemed to notice that either. When I heard my Uncle was dying, I realized that would be the end of any sanity I had left. I tried to make it work with the program, but they forced me to take medical leave. I was literally told "all the other students are seeing two clients right now. If you can't do that, you should take medical leave." So I did. I was angrily 2/3 of the way through the semester, a month from defending my thesis (and thus getting my master's degree), but I was so angry that these people who were ironically licensed therapists, were such assholes as to deny me that small satisfaction amidst a sea of uncertain pain I was experiencing, I no longer cared. I signed the forms and took my leave of absence.
Not that it was much of a "leave" of anything. I was still expected to direct an entire research study (conquering alone the work I now do 40 hours a week along with 2 research assistants and another 30 hour a week data manager), continue doing all the work for my courses, preparing my thesis defense and meet regularly with people at the University. I felt like I wasn't resting at all. That holiday season, all I heard was " I really hope you'll get back to school soon" from my mother. No questions about my medical problems or how I came to take medical leave in the first place. Just her hopes that I'd suck it up as soon as possible. It was as if she thought I was making the whole thing up. Everyone except my advisor and boyfriend seemed to think I was just "stressed," with no physical cause. After that period of non-rest I decided to try to come back to school since I didn't really feel like I was on leave anyway. I worked my ass off that summer to get ready to come back, taking our clinical classes as mandated. Things seemed fine, then when September rolled around my clinical supervisor gave me an F out of nowhere, without any reasonable explanation I could understand. Even she said "I felt this would come as a surprise to you and I didn't want to give you an F." Still no explanation why she did.....It was all vague and confusing, and I decided I'd been through enough. I accepted their suggestion that I withdraw from the courses, a suggestion the school gives when someone receives an F. My advisor recommended we contest it and fight, but I had no fight left in me except anger over wasting my time listening to everyone who told me to go to grad school in the first place.
That winter was even more fun. Finally I was 'free' to just work a normal 40 hours per week job like most people. No staying up til 4am, no reading hundreds of pages or writing novels about neurology. For the first time in a long time, I felt free. Instead I got to listen to how I "should have tried to talk to her (the supervisor who failed me) or stick it out a little longer, just to finish your master's." This hurtful advice, coming from someone who never set one foot into an undergraduate course, was mostly ignored on my part. What did she know? How to make me miserable and feel guilty for not still living at home at the age of 30? Yep, apparently she could play that card. I couldn't wait to get back to Maryland and be with my friends, the only people who would actually help me recover from this nightmare. It was the shortest amount of time I'd spent home for the holidays ever.
Then after a year of relative calm, came the inevitable possibility that I would lose my research job due to funding. That started last October and finally subsided in April. Now it has begun again and remains up in the air as of September. It appears my job of 8 years will be finally ending next March. My family doesn't like to address reality issues, like disease, unemployment or anything that falls outside the "happy bubble." They tell me I'm not serious about this, they keep telling me not to worry and go back to school. And what they'd like for gifts this year. This is my constant story of the holidays. Being confronted with obnoxious shit that doesn't make any sense and having to pretend I'm happy because it's the holidays. YAY! You know when my holiday starts? The millisecond between 12/31 and 1/1 that is my anniversary with my Beebo. That is the only reason I don't kill myself during the holidays. Thankfully there is a light at the end of the holiday death tunnel.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Overcoming Anxiety
The problem with anxiety, as with most mental disorders, is you most likely don't realize when you're suffering from one. And even if you do, you're probably uncertain of how to change the behaviors that make up that disorder. Worse still, it's likely your family and friends don't understand what you're experiencing, offer very poor advice, or blame you for the way you behave and believe it's within your immediate control to change those aspects of your behavior which make them uncomfortable. This is a tragically flawed and very challenging situation to find yourself in.
The thing about mental "disorders," is that they are just that, "disordering." You find yourself suddenly different than you were previously, whether it seemed like it happened over night or over the course of a few years. The way you perceive and experience the world changed, and everyone else around you stayed the same. And they can't understand why you've "chosen" the path you're currently wandering down. This is truly one of the worst aspects of mental problems. The very people you love and hoped would help you, turn out to be totally confused by what's going on in your head, and often reject it and become the complete opposite of helpful in your recovery.
The first step to take in mental illness recovery is realizing you have a legitimate problem that you CAN work on. I won't say you can ever "cure" something that happens in your mind the way you can with a bacterial infection, but I will stand by the premise that you CAN reshape your mind and build up defenses to remedy your woes. The second step is realizing you can't change people easily, and taking the energy you waste on convincing your friends and family how to understand your circumstances, and putting it toward something more beneficial in the short term; your recovery.
The truth is, family and friends are actually fundamental and very important in practically all therapies for mental health concerns. The sad reality is that unless you've experienced one of these concerns for yourself, most people are unfortunately unable to understand them on a level that would allow them to support you appropriately in your recovery. So if you're struggling with a family or group of friends who simply can't understand why you've changed, or perhaps are even blaming you for the way you act, do yourself a favor and put that situation aside for the time being. The old adage of "loving yourself before you can love another" holds true for mental health as well. You cannot practice good mental health habits with family and friends if you do not possess such faculties. Sometimes you have to step outside the comfort zone and fix yourself, before you can rejoin with those you hold dear.
My past paragraph makes me quite sad, because I believe if you have even just one person to help you through your struggles, you will be that much more successful in overcoming them and maintaining your progress. If you have that one person, embrace them and thank them for their understanding and patience. If you don't, get used to it and get excited about healing yourself. There is very little in life that feels better than dragging your own ass out of a debilitating mental disorder and you'll be even stronger than you imagined for it in the end.
So... there are a lot of things that trouble people out there, I'm well aware. Today we're focusing on anxiety, since many of us seem to have trouble with it at some point in our lives. Even people who will never be diagnosed with a mental disorder have most likely experienced semi-debilitating anxiety at some point in their lives. The way we deal with it is the KEY in whether we get better from that point, or sink further into the potential neurosis that anxiety can bring. The important point here is starting as soon as possible, and working as hard as you can without damaging yourself.
The main problem with anxiety is that most of it is completely irrational, yet even the realization of this doesn't fix it and make it go away. When it IS based on a rational concern, it's even worse because you have to change the situation causing the anxiety to rid yourself of it. Either way, you MUST immerse yourself in it if you want it to change. Your brain will repeat its patterns if you don't make a conscious effort to retrain it. This is the key to improving anxiety, retraining and immersion to a point that forces the brain to change the way it responds. This holds true with any type of anxiety.
There is a famous quote by someone I can't remember...but the quote read that "if you are afraid, you must." That is the beginning, middle and end of anxiety therapy. In the clinical world, we tend to try to group things into types of anxiety. But this is a waste of time.....the bottom line is simply if you are afraid, then you MUST. For some types of anxiety that are very debilitating, you may find a therapist is needed to accompany you on this journey of "doing." If that is the case, please seek that help. The bottom line is the doing, however you are able to "do" is the way you must travel.
The more able you are to "do" these anxiety-provoking things on your own, the closer you are to recovery. I myself went to anxiety therapy for years before realizing I needed to engage frequently in the very activities that made me anxious before I would feel comfortable in them. This is not something you should expect to happen in a matter of weeks or even months. It is literally a course of doing things that make you uncomfortable and even "freak out" for years, until you realize one day that you're no longer sure why you were so uncomfortable in those situations. That's when you know you're "cured." When something that used to make you sweat, tense up and feel compelled to flee to the scene, becomes a daily, normal, routine activity.
When this happens, it probably takes awhile to even realize it. You've become so used to feeling upset and nervous about whatever the situation is, that you never expected to become comfortable in it. Perhaps you got to the point where you were able to tolerate it, either on your own or with the help of some benzodiazepine medication. While I highly disregard much of our modern medicine, and also do not condone heavy reliance on benzos, I DO recommend starting your therapy with the help of a mild, short acting tranquilizer like Ativan.
The key with anxiety therapy is to immerse yourself in situations as much as you feel comfortable, without going overboard. The medication helps you start that process. The great thing about something like Ativan, is that it helps you initiate the situation without the panic process, and gradually wears off a few hours later after you're hopefully already semi-comfortable with the situation. Repeated experience like this is crucial for helping rebuild your neural structures and the neurons that fire to tell you whether or not something is scary or mundane.
The problem with benzos is their highly addictive nature. You don't realize you're addicted to it, but your body has already altered the way it produces GABA, a substance responsible for regulating your fight or flight/anxious response. If you take long-acting benzos for an extended period of time, your natural production of GABA will down-regulate naturally. Too much science.....basically the drug is a helpful crutch and if you take it too long your body assumes it to be a regular thing and changes its own production of very vital chemicals accordingly. That is the scary aspect of anxiety medications. The "valium addict" who fulfills all the duties of normal life is a total myth. Anxiety medication should be just that; medication to help you DEAL with your anxiety, not a permanent coping mechanism for it.
As I said earlier, anxiety, depending on the nature and severity, may take you years to overcome. In the meantime, whatever helps you experience the situations that make you feel anxious is beneficial, even if it includes a drug in the benzo classification. The important thing to keep in mind is that the more you experience without the drug, the more you take into your brain and thus help to rewire your anxious circuitry. The stronger the anxiety drug, the less aware you are of what you're going through, and thus the less you take away from the situation in terms of helping you maintain something in the long run.
People who are completely unable to deal with life, take strong, long lasting benzos like Valium. They get through the day, the half life of the drug is longer than most people stay awake, and thus the amount of time they spend dealing with anxiety-provoking situations "uncomfortably" is minimal if not non-existent. This may seem like heaven to someone who is wrapped deeply in the throws of anxiety. But I promise you, this is short term and not the answer. The way to solve the problem is to take the least amount of medication possible, to immerse yourself in the situations that make you anxious, and keep doing that over and over and over and over.....until it starts to feel OK.
I apologize if after reading this far you feel left out in the cold. But the one thing I CAN tell you, is that developing a strong addiction to benzos will only set you back even further than you were when you started. The portion of your brain that wants to deal with anxiety, relies on GABA. Suppressing its production by drugs only delays your progress. If you can experience that which makes you anxious without the aid of any drugs, do so regularly. Eventually you'll find it doesn't bother you nearly as much as it used to. And the more you experience THAT feeling, the closer you come to ridding yourself of it completely.
As for the things you find you simply CANNOT tolerate without the aid of drugs, do those things too, as often as possible. Take the drugs you've been prescribed, again, hopefully the lesser of the benzo class.....short acting and not so sedating. The most useful part of these drugs is to allow oneself to begin the anxiety-provoking situation and endure past it....without numbing oneself to it entirely. You simply cannot learn anything in that setting. You MUST feel to understand, and to change.
Therapy should not be comfortable; it should not be unbearable, but if it's comfortable then you're probably not really trying that hard. I most respect Fritz Perls, for his inspirational and challenging therapeutic interventions. He took what people expressed and threw it right back at them in a way that forced them to realize their shortcomings and either alter them, or run away. If you're not willing to face that situation, you're not ready for change. If you're not ready for change, no one can help you, not even yourself.
If you're troubled by anxiety, realize this one key point: discomfort will be necessary in helping you grow and change and eventually develop the tools and mindset to not feel that discomfort. If you're comfortable and happy along the way, find a new therapist. You're clearly reading this because you WANT something in your life to change. Whatever your mental concern may be, trust me, it isn't something that can be fixed by a passive interest in helping yourself. You must be seriously invested and willing to feel discomfort before you will feel true comfort. If therapy didn't hurt, it wouldn't be therapeutic.....and if you didn't experience anxiety, you'd have no basis on which to understand true placidity and lack of anxiety. Like I said earlier.....if it hurts...you must. No questions asked.
The thing about mental "disorders," is that they are just that, "disordering." You find yourself suddenly different than you were previously, whether it seemed like it happened over night or over the course of a few years. The way you perceive and experience the world changed, and everyone else around you stayed the same. And they can't understand why you've "chosen" the path you're currently wandering down. This is truly one of the worst aspects of mental problems. The very people you love and hoped would help you, turn out to be totally confused by what's going on in your head, and often reject it and become the complete opposite of helpful in your recovery.
The first step to take in mental illness recovery is realizing you have a legitimate problem that you CAN work on. I won't say you can ever "cure" something that happens in your mind the way you can with a bacterial infection, but I will stand by the premise that you CAN reshape your mind and build up defenses to remedy your woes. The second step is realizing you can't change people easily, and taking the energy you waste on convincing your friends and family how to understand your circumstances, and putting it toward something more beneficial in the short term; your recovery.
The truth is, family and friends are actually fundamental and very important in practically all therapies for mental health concerns. The sad reality is that unless you've experienced one of these concerns for yourself, most people are unfortunately unable to understand them on a level that would allow them to support you appropriately in your recovery. So if you're struggling with a family or group of friends who simply can't understand why you've changed, or perhaps are even blaming you for the way you act, do yourself a favor and put that situation aside for the time being. The old adage of "loving yourself before you can love another" holds true for mental health as well. You cannot practice good mental health habits with family and friends if you do not possess such faculties. Sometimes you have to step outside the comfort zone and fix yourself, before you can rejoin with those you hold dear.
My past paragraph makes me quite sad, because I believe if you have even just one person to help you through your struggles, you will be that much more successful in overcoming them and maintaining your progress. If you have that one person, embrace them and thank them for their understanding and patience. If you don't, get used to it and get excited about healing yourself. There is very little in life that feels better than dragging your own ass out of a debilitating mental disorder and you'll be even stronger than you imagined for it in the end.
So... there are a lot of things that trouble people out there, I'm well aware. Today we're focusing on anxiety, since many of us seem to have trouble with it at some point in our lives. Even people who will never be diagnosed with a mental disorder have most likely experienced semi-debilitating anxiety at some point in their lives. The way we deal with it is the KEY in whether we get better from that point, or sink further into the potential neurosis that anxiety can bring. The important point here is starting as soon as possible, and working as hard as you can without damaging yourself.
The main problem with anxiety is that most of it is completely irrational, yet even the realization of this doesn't fix it and make it go away. When it IS based on a rational concern, it's even worse because you have to change the situation causing the anxiety to rid yourself of it. Either way, you MUST immerse yourself in it if you want it to change. Your brain will repeat its patterns if you don't make a conscious effort to retrain it. This is the key to improving anxiety, retraining and immersion to a point that forces the brain to change the way it responds. This holds true with any type of anxiety.
There is a famous quote by someone I can't remember...but the quote read that "if you are afraid, you must." That is the beginning, middle and end of anxiety therapy. In the clinical world, we tend to try to group things into types of anxiety. But this is a waste of time.....the bottom line is simply if you are afraid, then you MUST. For some types of anxiety that are very debilitating, you may find a therapist is needed to accompany you on this journey of "doing." If that is the case, please seek that help. The bottom line is the doing, however you are able to "do" is the way you must travel.
The more able you are to "do" these anxiety-provoking things on your own, the closer you are to recovery. I myself went to anxiety therapy for years before realizing I needed to engage frequently in the very activities that made me anxious before I would feel comfortable in them. This is not something you should expect to happen in a matter of weeks or even months. It is literally a course of doing things that make you uncomfortable and even "freak out" for years, until you realize one day that you're no longer sure why you were so uncomfortable in those situations. That's when you know you're "cured." When something that used to make you sweat, tense up and feel compelled to flee to the scene, becomes a daily, normal, routine activity.
When this happens, it probably takes awhile to even realize it. You've become so used to feeling upset and nervous about whatever the situation is, that you never expected to become comfortable in it. Perhaps you got to the point where you were able to tolerate it, either on your own or with the help of some benzodiazepine medication. While I highly disregard much of our modern medicine, and also do not condone heavy reliance on benzos, I DO recommend starting your therapy with the help of a mild, short acting tranquilizer like Ativan.
The key with anxiety therapy is to immerse yourself in situations as much as you feel comfortable, without going overboard. The medication helps you start that process. The great thing about something like Ativan, is that it helps you initiate the situation without the panic process, and gradually wears off a few hours later after you're hopefully already semi-comfortable with the situation. Repeated experience like this is crucial for helping rebuild your neural structures and the neurons that fire to tell you whether or not something is scary or mundane.
The problem with benzos is their highly addictive nature. You don't realize you're addicted to it, but your body has already altered the way it produces GABA, a substance responsible for regulating your fight or flight/anxious response. If you take long-acting benzos for an extended period of time, your natural production of GABA will down-regulate naturally. Too much science.....basically the drug is a helpful crutch and if you take it too long your body assumes it to be a regular thing and changes its own production of very vital chemicals accordingly. That is the scary aspect of anxiety medications. The "valium addict" who fulfills all the duties of normal life is a total myth. Anxiety medication should be just that; medication to help you DEAL with your anxiety, not a permanent coping mechanism for it.
As I said earlier, anxiety, depending on the nature and severity, may take you years to overcome. In the meantime, whatever helps you experience the situations that make you feel anxious is beneficial, even if it includes a drug in the benzo classification. The important thing to keep in mind is that the more you experience without the drug, the more you take into your brain and thus help to rewire your anxious circuitry. The stronger the anxiety drug, the less aware you are of what you're going through, and thus the less you take away from the situation in terms of helping you maintain something in the long run.
People who are completely unable to deal with life, take strong, long lasting benzos like Valium. They get through the day, the half life of the drug is longer than most people stay awake, and thus the amount of time they spend dealing with anxiety-provoking situations "uncomfortably" is minimal if not non-existent. This may seem like heaven to someone who is wrapped deeply in the throws of anxiety. But I promise you, this is short term and not the answer. The way to solve the problem is to take the least amount of medication possible, to immerse yourself in the situations that make you anxious, and keep doing that over and over and over and over.....until it starts to feel OK.
I apologize if after reading this far you feel left out in the cold. But the one thing I CAN tell you, is that developing a strong addiction to benzos will only set you back even further than you were when you started. The portion of your brain that wants to deal with anxiety, relies on GABA. Suppressing its production by drugs only delays your progress. If you can experience that which makes you anxious without the aid of any drugs, do so regularly. Eventually you'll find it doesn't bother you nearly as much as it used to. And the more you experience THAT feeling, the closer you come to ridding yourself of it completely.
As for the things you find you simply CANNOT tolerate without the aid of drugs, do those things too, as often as possible. Take the drugs you've been prescribed, again, hopefully the lesser of the benzo class.....short acting and not so sedating. The most useful part of these drugs is to allow oneself to begin the anxiety-provoking situation and endure past it....without numbing oneself to it entirely. You simply cannot learn anything in that setting. You MUST feel to understand, and to change.
Therapy should not be comfortable; it should not be unbearable, but if it's comfortable then you're probably not really trying that hard. I most respect Fritz Perls, for his inspirational and challenging therapeutic interventions. He took what people expressed and threw it right back at them in a way that forced them to realize their shortcomings and either alter them, or run away. If you're not willing to face that situation, you're not ready for change. If you're not ready for change, no one can help you, not even yourself.
If you're troubled by anxiety, realize this one key point: discomfort will be necessary in helping you grow and change and eventually develop the tools and mindset to not feel that discomfort. If you're comfortable and happy along the way, find a new therapist. You're clearly reading this because you WANT something in your life to change. Whatever your mental concern may be, trust me, it isn't something that can be fixed by a passive interest in helping yourself. You must be seriously invested and willing to feel discomfort before you will feel true comfort. If therapy didn't hurt, it wouldn't be therapeutic.....and if you didn't experience anxiety, you'd have no basis on which to understand true placidity and lack of anxiety. Like I said earlier.....if it hurts...you must. No questions asked.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Wanting What We Don't Need
This seems as appropriate a time as any to post about a conclusion I made a few years back. With the economy as it is and unemployment shaky at best, a closer look at the things we spend (i.e. waste) money on is certainly in order. This is one of those topics where some will argue "money can buy you happiness," or "I absolutely DO need that," but I will firmly support my argument based on the sole consideration of what really signifies a "need" in the first place.
There is an entire sub-field of psychology devoted to understanding our need to own, consume, purchase and possess various items. That same field deals specifically with the inner processes that lead us to believe these things we buy will make us better off, or "happy." There is a whole other sect of religious philosophy that deals with owning as little as possible, and how the very lack of possessions is the true path to happiness. As with most of my beliefs, I will espouse that neither extreme is the best solution for the majority of people. Any scientific bell curve will show you that the middle portion of the curve (accounting for 95% of the population) accounts for the greatest amount of people in any situation. To put it simply, what works for most, lies in the middle. The outer extremes on either end fall upon a mere 5% of individuals, indicating extremism is usually not in your favor.
Now that we have the science part out of the way, I will return to my main point. The majority of us own so much more than we could ever truly need, that we lose sight of reality before we graduate from high school. I'm not talking about the wealthy kids who already had cars purchased for them before they got a drivers license or the fashionistas who spend their free time perusing the malls for the latest fads. I'm referring to practically everyone who lives above the line of abject poverty. Once you have shelter, food and the bare minimum of clothing and some extra change for incidentals, you've peaked...in terms of meeting our basic needs.
Many of us are unfortunately not taught the value of money. We grow up expecting that basic things like toothpaste, shampoo and food will just be present in the house we live in with our parents. These are not financial considerations for a lot of kids. This fantasy extends into college, where our tuition, dorms, food and everything else we ask for is paid in full. Even if one takes out loans or piles up credit card debt to fund such an excursion, most fail to grasp the financial reality until they're out in the real world.
I came from a world of "stuff." I had all the clothing and crap I wanted, and despite having a legitimate job since I was 14, I still failed to learn the valuable lesson about money. When someone else is covering your rent, food, gas and toiletries, it's very easy to be fooled into thinking your $6 an hour wage will be more than capable of supporting your lifestyle. Then come the credit cards. Oh, the lure of frivolous purchasing you will "attempt" to pay for at a later point without realizing that $5,000 with interest takes a freaking lifetime to pay back.
I got my first full time job (where I still work), straight out of college. To someone who has worked only part time gigs for hourly wages their whole life, whatever crappy salary they offer you seems like the most money you've ever heard of in your life. I had insurance, close to 3 months of paid leave every year, a 401K, and around 30K. For 2004, this seemed like a good situation for me. In that interim I racked up credit card, medical, and eventually graduate school debt that I will be paying off for the next 9 years unless I win the lottery.
The reason I bring this up, is because it took me all of that time going through those situations, crying over whether or not I'd be able to afford rent that month, to realize how much wasteful spending I did. I had no conception of spending frugally in the grocery store; I simply purchased the brand name items my mom had always served our family growing up. I went to the mall to buy bags of clothes I couldn't even fit into my already overflowing closet. I bought brand name cosmetics and toiletries because I didn't give it a second thought. And the scariest part of all of this, is that I'm not a vain or unintelligent person, as much as these recounts may make me seem. I was simply doing what I'd been brought up with my entire life; I was doing what one does when they are completely lost and searching for a grasp on life. Unfortunately it took me 3 years of living in abject poverty on graduate student wages to understand my errors.
After being immersed (ironically) in a situation where everyone wore the best clothes and dressed the part of the proper therapist for 3 years, I had learned quite the opposite. It's not the clothes, its not the hair, its not even about daily showering or wearing makeup every day. It was about me; what made me happy and what made me spend more money and become that much more miserable. The day I realized all of this was the day I cut up the credit cards, starting living within my means, and from that point I grew more and more as a non-neurotic individual each day.
There was a point where I wouldn't leave the house without a proper manicure and pedicure, hair at least dealt with in some way, and wearing something I felt proper in. When grad school set in I realized time was my biggest asset, and to waste a second of it on grooming and getting dressed was absolutely ridiculous. That was followed by learning to find clothing for cheap, learning to update your last seasons wardrobe with a few scarves or hats, and learning to avoid even entering a mall. In the mall everything is so flashy and "gotta have it" its no wonder so many of us have issues with our spending. The truth is, going into debt from loans and having to live off half my usual salary while in graduate school was the best thing that ever could have happened to me.
This was, perhaps coincidentally but in my opinion not at all, the same time I stopped attending my doctoral program of clinical psychology. I realized for all their efforts to be the "helpers" the world so desperately needs, these people engulfed in my program of study were so far away from helping themselves that there was no shot in hell they would ever realistically be able to help anyone else. I realized something about myself that made me feel completely aberrent and foreign, something that made me understand I had chosen the wrong path in my search to help others. I had mistakenly entered a world of becoming rich off the woes of others, at the expense of becoming, for yourself, a real person actually capable of offering sound advice that came from something other than a manual.
They teach you that therapy is a process of change, but the majority of therapists in training refuse to reconcile what that means. Change, in my opinion, isn't simply about curtailing your drug habit or behaviorally managing your anxiety. Change; true therapy, is about forcing yourself into an uncomfortable situation in a way that allows you to eventually feel comfortable and almost natural doing so. It's not enough to treat symptoms; finding happiness entails dealing with the very aspects of life that have brought you to a point where you feel unhappy in the first place.
If this seems tangential or irrelevant to my starting point, let me explain my intent. I believe very strongly that the most influential source of unhappiness in our lives is what we bring upon ourselves. How does this relate to spending habits and over-consumption? Without quoting a bunch of research on the topic, the only reason you should be purchasing something is true necessity or for the purpose of entertainment. If you're able to rationally review your spending habits and categorize them accordingly, you'll likely find that much of what you spent your money on doesn't fall into either of those two scenarios. The more insecure you are with yourself and your life, the more money you will spend trying to remedy this, subconsciously or otherwise.
Many people dislike their jobs, and they rationalize this by stating the money they make allows them to live the lifestyle they enjoy. But I ask, how enjoyable is yachting and designer clothing if you've had to sacrifice so many other aspects of your life to afford the luxury? I will state a personal opinion here, that love and family is the most important thing to attend to. Everything beyond providing for that is a secondary need. I could continue to call it a "personal opinion," except every body of research in the fields of biology, psychology and anthropology would say its not an opinion, its a fact. We're primates; we're programmed to mate, nurture, and provide. Everything we eagerly grasp at beyond that point is simply greed, or misplaced understanding of the self and what it needs to be happy.
Clearly there is so much more to delve into here that would take more than anyone would care to read in a blog. Blogs are for the attention-deficient, emotionally stunted people who want to listen to how someone else says you should live your life. So, if you've read this far I'll just leave you with a few words of consideration. Think of the one or two things in your life you would be most unhappy to give up. If they are other people, passions you have about life, or a personal dream, pat yourself on the back and go have a beer. If they're anything material in nature, please take some time away from your work to think about your priorities. In either case, look over your bank account, the way you live your life, and realistically ask yourself if its maintainable, reasonable, and true to who you are.
There is an entire sub-field of psychology devoted to understanding our need to own, consume, purchase and possess various items. That same field deals specifically with the inner processes that lead us to believe these things we buy will make us better off, or "happy." There is a whole other sect of religious philosophy that deals with owning as little as possible, and how the very lack of possessions is the true path to happiness. As with most of my beliefs, I will espouse that neither extreme is the best solution for the majority of people. Any scientific bell curve will show you that the middle portion of the curve (accounting for 95% of the population) accounts for the greatest amount of people in any situation. To put it simply, what works for most, lies in the middle. The outer extremes on either end fall upon a mere 5% of individuals, indicating extremism is usually not in your favor.
Now that we have the science part out of the way, I will return to my main point. The majority of us own so much more than we could ever truly need, that we lose sight of reality before we graduate from high school. I'm not talking about the wealthy kids who already had cars purchased for them before they got a drivers license or the fashionistas who spend their free time perusing the malls for the latest fads. I'm referring to practically everyone who lives above the line of abject poverty. Once you have shelter, food and the bare minimum of clothing and some extra change for incidentals, you've peaked...in terms of meeting our basic needs.
Many of us are unfortunately not taught the value of money. We grow up expecting that basic things like toothpaste, shampoo and food will just be present in the house we live in with our parents. These are not financial considerations for a lot of kids. This fantasy extends into college, where our tuition, dorms, food and everything else we ask for is paid in full. Even if one takes out loans or piles up credit card debt to fund such an excursion, most fail to grasp the financial reality until they're out in the real world.
I came from a world of "stuff." I had all the clothing and crap I wanted, and despite having a legitimate job since I was 14, I still failed to learn the valuable lesson about money. When someone else is covering your rent, food, gas and toiletries, it's very easy to be fooled into thinking your $6 an hour wage will be more than capable of supporting your lifestyle. Then come the credit cards. Oh, the lure of frivolous purchasing you will "attempt" to pay for at a later point without realizing that $5,000 with interest takes a freaking lifetime to pay back.
I got my first full time job (where I still work), straight out of college. To someone who has worked only part time gigs for hourly wages their whole life, whatever crappy salary they offer you seems like the most money you've ever heard of in your life. I had insurance, close to 3 months of paid leave every year, a 401K, and around 30K. For 2004, this seemed like a good situation for me. In that interim I racked up credit card, medical, and eventually graduate school debt that I will be paying off for the next 9 years unless I win the lottery.
The reason I bring this up, is because it took me all of that time going through those situations, crying over whether or not I'd be able to afford rent that month, to realize how much wasteful spending I did. I had no conception of spending frugally in the grocery store; I simply purchased the brand name items my mom had always served our family growing up. I went to the mall to buy bags of clothes I couldn't even fit into my already overflowing closet. I bought brand name cosmetics and toiletries because I didn't give it a second thought. And the scariest part of all of this, is that I'm not a vain or unintelligent person, as much as these recounts may make me seem. I was simply doing what I'd been brought up with my entire life; I was doing what one does when they are completely lost and searching for a grasp on life. Unfortunately it took me 3 years of living in abject poverty on graduate student wages to understand my errors.
After being immersed (ironically) in a situation where everyone wore the best clothes and dressed the part of the proper therapist for 3 years, I had learned quite the opposite. It's not the clothes, its not the hair, its not even about daily showering or wearing makeup every day. It was about me; what made me happy and what made me spend more money and become that much more miserable. The day I realized all of this was the day I cut up the credit cards, starting living within my means, and from that point I grew more and more as a non-neurotic individual each day.
There was a point where I wouldn't leave the house without a proper manicure and pedicure, hair at least dealt with in some way, and wearing something I felt proper in. When grad school set in I realized time was my biggest asset, and to waste a second of it on grooming and getting dressed was absolutely ridiculous. That was followed by learning to find clothing for cheap, learning to update your last seasons wardrobe with a few scarves or hats, and learning to avoid even entering a mall. In the mall everything is so flashy and "gotta have it" its no wonder so many of us have issues with our spending. The truth is, going into debt from loans and having to live off half my usual salary while in graduate school was the best thing that ever could have happened to me.
This was, perhaps coincidentally but in my opinion not at all, the same time I stopped attending my doctoral program of clinical psychology. I realized for all their efforts to be the "helpers" the world so desperately needs, these people engulfed in my program of study were so far away from helping themselves that there was no shot in hell they would ever realistically be able to help anyone else. I realized something about myself that made me feel completely aberrent and foreign, something that made me understand I had chosen the wrong path in my search to help others. I had mistakenly entered a world of becoming rich off the woes of others, at the expense of becoming, for yourself, a real person actually capable of offering sound advice that came from something other than a manual.
They teach you that therapy is a process of change, but the majority of therapists in training refuse to reconcile what that means. Change, in my opinion, isn't simply about curtailing your drug habit or behaviorally managing your anxiety. Change; true therapy, is about forcing yourself into an uncomfortable situation in a way that allows you to eventually feel comfortable and almost natural doing so. It's not enough to treat symptoms; finding happiness entails dealing with the very aspects of life that have brought you to a point where you feel unhappy in the first place.
If this seems tangential or irrelevant to my starting point, let me explain my intent. I believe very strongly that the most influential source of unhappiness in our lives is what we bring upon ourselves. How does this relate to spending habits and over-consumption? Without quoting a bunch of research on the topic, the only reason you should be purchasing something is true necessity or for the purpose of entertainment. If you're able to rationally review your spending habits and categorize them accordingly, you'll likely find that much of what you spent your money on doesn't fall into either of those two scenarios. The more insecure you are with yourself and your life, the more money you will spend trying to remedy this, subconsciously or otherwise.
Many people dislike their jobs, and they rationalize this by stating the money they make allows them to live the lifestyle they enjoy. But I ask, how enjoyable is yachting and designer clothing if you've had to sacrifice so many other aspects of your life to afford the luxury? I will state a personal opinion here, that love and family is the most important thing to attend to. Everything beyond providing for that is a secondary need. I could continue to call it a "personal opinion," except every body of research in the fields of biology, psychology and anthropology would say its not an opinion, its a fact. We're primates; we're programmed to mate, nurture, and provide. Everything we eagerly grasp at beyond that point is simply greed, or misplaced understanding of the self and what it needs to be happy.
Clearly there is so much more to delve into here that would take more than anyone would care to read in a blog. Blogs are for the attention-deficient, emotionally stunted people who want to listen to how someone else says you should live your life. So, if you've read this far I'll just leave you with a few words of consideration. Think of the one or two things in your life you would be most unhappy to give up. If they are other people, passions you have about life, or a personal dream, pat yourself on the back and go have a beer. If they're anything material in nature, please take some time away from your work to think about your priorities. In either case, look over your bank account, the way you live your life, and realistically ask yourself if its maintainable, reasonable, and true to who you are.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Crosswalks: The magical paint that protects you from being hit by a car.....
Before I begin another semi-relevant rant, let me ask a simple question. Crosswalk on a road, shrouded by trees, blinded from view by both sunrise and sunset glare and highly trafficked: should one attempt to create such a death-trap? Given my biased explanation, I hope most people would reply, "No." Yet this is the first and last part of my commute to and from work every day. A recent tragedy where two individuals were struck and killed by a possibly drunk driver at night on just such a crosswalk brought this long-standing pet peeve to mind and inspired this entry.
We live in a society where the law says pedestrians have the right of way, yet our cities are clearly designed for navigation by motor vehicle. Regardless of which is correct, or what type of infrastructure we should be aiming for, this is the state of things as they currently stand. You can paint whatever type of lines on the road you wish, but the fact remains that if you're walking across a road at the wrong time and a car intersects with your path, the outcome is likely to be negative.
This phenomenon of crosswalks has amazed me since I began my driving career. Coming from a small town, I wasn't used to random portions of the highway where one should expect pedestrians to be meandering about, in the middle of the road. I moved to the D.C. area at the age of 18 and realized these crosswalks were really more of a burden than an asset to anyone in our society.
Take the part of the pedestrian: you're walking in the city, you wish to cross the road. The diagonally painted lines on the asphalt tell you it's ok to do just that, creating perhaps a false sense of security. You see the crosswalk, you attempt to cross. It seems to me that this simple convention of modern cities has punched a hole in our otherwise rational brains. Whatever happened to mom's warning "look both ways before you cross the street?" That logic seems to have flown completely out the window when crosswalks are available. Be they on bike, on foot, on skateboard or pushing a baby stroller, the presence of the lines indicating it is safe to cross the road at a certain point makes the majority of those who use them, completely unable to take a second of precaution and check the road situation for themselves.
I won't disagree that in many of our modern cities the whole "crossing the road" situation is near impossible. It makes sense that someone would want something like a crosswalk to aid in that whole process. In more successful venues where people don't get plastered into the pavement by cars, I've seen such contraptions as pedestrian bridges that make an arc over the roadway. This prevents both drivers and walkers from having to deal with the situation. There is also the crosswalk sign attached to stop lights where an illuminated figure of a person mid-stride or a firm hand image indicates whether or not you should cross the road at a given time. But more often than not what I see most frequently are a few slabs of paint on the road, giving otherwise intelligent people the freedom to act in complete stupidity and cross an otherwise teeming highway without so much as glancing in either direction.
As with any modern convenience, we have to use these inventions to our benefit, not our detriment. If you haphazardly engage in any sort of activity you're likely to come out mangled and disappointed on the other side. I personally have never viewed the crosswalk as the "free for all," that most seem to take it for. Sure, there are some lines painted on the road and maybe even a sign that says "pedestrians have the right of way." Regardless, the car careening 45 miles per hour towards me tells my logical side that it doesn't really matter who has the technical right of way. I'd be best off avoiding a collision with such an instrument, even if it means I might have to actually pay attention to the road way or wait a few moments before barreling across it.
Unless you're suicidal, I believe you would agree with me that being plowed over by a car is an unpleasant consideration. Yet if you go for a morning walk or take your bike out for a spin before work each day, you're probably one of the people I call "idiots" who have barely avoided being trampled by my car in the crosswalk. Suppose you're going 45 miles per hour; the speed limit on the road where I most frequently encounter this very issue. As a driver of an automobile, you're accustomed to stop signs, stop lights, and traffic that makes you slow down. It is highly unlikely that you're instinctively trained to be wary of bikes and soccer moms with baby strollers popping into the roadway like an 80's arcade game. It just doesn't make sense. Yet more than a few times I've found myself screeching my brakes just short of that crosswalk to avoid hitting these very people. Typically they come out of the neighborhood bushes unexpectedly, and I naively assumed they would remain on the sidewalk until I had passed. They saw me approaching at regular speed and chose to endanger all of our livelihoods by stepping into the middle of a road without any regard as to whether or not it was clear to pass. Look both ways before crossing? If there is some magical paint on the road saying its a crosswalk, apparently there is no need to use common sense.
Tragically there are many aspects of modern life that fall victim to this same type of ironic stupidity. What I want to understand, is when we became so ineptly retarded that we stopped using our basic common sense and reasoning that had brought us this far as a society? Is the crosswalk a good consideration? Sure; it would make the roads nicer for pedestrians in a perfect world. Are condoms a good way to prevent STDs? Of course, but again in the heat of moment so many people make the conscious choice to not use them, in favor of our other urges. I don't think its necessary to go into the horrible outcomes that poor decision has lead so many people to encounter, nor should I have to reiterate the good reasons to disregard the lines painted on the road telling you its cool to just walk out in the middle of it without thinking. Look before you leap. Best advice in so many situations.
We live in a society where the law says pedestrians have the right of way, yet our cities are clearly designed for navigation by motor vehicle. Regardless of which is correct, or what type of infrastructure we should be aiming for, this is the state of things as they currently stand. You can paint whatever type of lines on the road you wish, but the fact remains that if you're walking across a road at the wrong time and a car intersects with your path, the outcome is likely to be negative.
This phenomenon of crosswalks has amazed me since I began my driving career. Coming from a small town, I wasn't used to random portions of the highway where one should expect pedestrians to be meandering about, in the middle of the road. I moved to the D.C. area at the age of 18 and realized these crosswalks were really more of a burden than an asset to anyone in our society.
Take the part of the pedestrian: you're walking in the city, you wish to cross the road. The diagonally painted lines on the asphalt tell you it's ok to do just that, creating perhaps a false sense of security. You see the crosswalk, you attempt to cross. It seems to me that this simple convention of modern cities has punched a hole in our otherwise rational brains. Whatever happened to mom's warning "look both ways before you cross the street?" That logic seems to have flown completely out the window when crosswalks are available. Be they on bike, on foot, on skateboard or pushing a baby stroller, the presence of the lines indicating it is safe to cross the road at a certain point makes the majority of those who use them, completely unable to take a second of precaution and check the road situation for themselves.
I won't disagree that in many of our modern cities the whole "crossing the road" situation is near impossible. It makes sense that someone would want something like a crosswalk to aid in that whole process. In more successful venues where people don't get plastered into the pavement by cars, I've seen such contraptions as pedestrian bridges that make an arc over the roadway. This prevents both drivers and walkers from having to deal with the situation. There is also the crosswalk sign attached to stop lights where an illuminated figure of a person mid-stride or a firm hand image indicates whether or not you should cross the road at a given time. But more often than not what I see most frequently are a few slabs of paint on the road, giving otherwise intelligent people the freedom to act in complete stupidity and cross an otherwise teeming highway without so much as glancing in either direction.
As with any modern convenience, we have to use these inventions to our benefit, not our detriment. If you haphazardly engage in any sort of activity you're likely to come out mangled and disappointed on the other side. I personally have never viewed the crosswalk as the "free for all," that most seem to take it for. Sure, there are some lines painted on the road and maybe even a sign that says "pedestrians have the right of way." Regardless, the car careening 45 miles per hour towards me tells my logical side that it doesn't really matter who has the technical right of way. I'd be best off avoiding a collision with such an instrument, even if it means I might have to actually pay attention to the road way or wait a few moments before barreling across it.
Unless you're suicidal, I believe you would agree with me that being plowed over by a car is an unpleasant consideration. Yet if you go for a morning walk or take your bike out for a spin before work each day, you're probably one of the people I call "idiots" who have barely avoided being trampled by my car in the crosswalk. Suppose you're going 45 miles per hour; the speed limit on the road where I most frequently encounter this very issue. As a driver of an automobile, you're accustomed to stop signs, stop lights, and traffic that makes you slow down. It is highly unlikely that you're instinctively trained to be wary of bikes and soccer moms with baby strollers popping into the roadway like an 80's arcade game. It just doesn't make sense. Yet more than a few times I've found myself screeching my brakes just short of that crosswalk to avoid hitting these very people. Typically they come out of the neighborhood bushes unexpectedly, and I naively assumed they would remain on the sidewalk until I had passed. They saw me approaching at regular speed and chose to endanger all of our livelihoods by stepping into the middle of a road without any regard as to whether or not it was clear to pass. Look both ways before crossing? If there is some magical paint on the road saying its a crosswalk, apparently there is no need to use common sense.
Tragically there are many aspects of modern life that fall victim to this same type of ironic stupidity. What I want to understand, is when we became so ineptly retarded that we stopped using our basic common sense and reasoning that had brought us this far as a society? Is the crosswalk a good consideration? Sure; it would make the roads nicer for pedestrians in a perfect world. Are condoms a good way to prevent STDs? Of course, but again in the heat of moment so many people make the conscious choice to not use them, in favor of our other urges. I don't think its necessary to go into the horrible outcomes that poor decision has lead so many people to encounter, nor should I have to reiterate the good reasons to disregard the lines painted on the road telling you its cool to just walk out in the middle of it without thinking. Look before you leap. Best advice in so many situations.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
That fairytale called LOVE......
When I sat down to update the blog tonight after many months of absence, I had an entirely different topic in mind. When I thought back to what inspires most of my writing- the lives of others around me- I was reminded once again of that huge aspect of life so many of us struggle with: love. For me love is that one thing I take the most pride in, the one portion of my life I never take for granted and align all the other aspects of my life to fit accordingly. For some it's the LIFE: the career, the obligations to self and others. For me love IS life; the only thing that really makes the rest of it worthwhile, the only thing worth fighting for, at all.
Love is something we all need to give unconditionally and accept in the same manner. It is the very thing so many of us struggle to achieve, nurture, and maintain. The very hardest thing for some of us to offer to others and welcome unto ourselves. It's hard to say for certain what the biggest problem is in that regard. Often it's the stress associated with the whole "marriage," permanency phenomenon. Apparently locking oneself in a binding religious and legal agreement with another person poses serious threat and inevitable detriment to the relationship itself.
I cannot speak personally on this matter; I can only mention that a number of my close friends were perfectly content prior to such an engagement; an engagement which has left many of them cold, discouraged and discontent. A self-proclaimed serial monogamist, I find this realization difficult to reconcile. I have lived with the same person, as if we were married, for the past 6 years. There is not a second of that life I regret; I feel immeasurably blessed and better off for having lived it. Instead I wonder, egotistically, if there is some trait I or he possess, which makes us better equipped to maintain such a relationship. My scientific side forces me to consider that perhaps there is a more humble realization..... something about the pairings of those I've watched was perhaps incompatible before they ever began--If there was another reason those two people did not, or could not, work together. And this is where I come back to feeling self-righteous and therefor most likely incorrect.
Like I said, I've had a series of long-term relationships throughout my dating life, each of which always felt more correct than the last, yet nonetheless had an end-point I was aware of, in the back of my head. Currently, in the back of my head (and sometimes more up front than I feel ready to be comfortable with), I see only a wedding, children, a happy life of aging with someone I feel no hesitation in saying I'll be "cool" with, forever. He lacks any of the traits that I'd feel confident saying will make me unhappy, in the end. The one thing I have learned in listening to people, is that the whole cliche of relationships being something you have to "work" at is total crap. As with anything else right in my life, relationships should follow the path of least resistance. That isn't to say you shouldn't try, only to say that it's not the spectacular feat of effort that most claim it to be. Nothing about my relationship has involved effort of any sort. If you love someone, you love someone unconditionally. There is nothing to work at. If you disagree, you might be with the wrong person.
I say this confidently because I can still remember all the things about life I've spent my time worrying over. Where to live, what to be, where to work, what type of life I want......and in the end none of it mattered. I realized I would be happy with everything else if I had a partner to share it with. If this seems submissive or insecure, consider this: even if you could say everything else in your life was perfect (job, home, location, yourself), what would you still ask for? A partner to share in your success. When recently talking with a friend about how he would transition his life to a new location and career, I discussed my slight distaste for my geographical location. We talked about other cities that might be more fun to live in, more appropriate for our tastes. He asked me "well, does Maryland feel like home for you?" My reply was instant and certain: "anywhere that Mike is, feels like home for me." Cheesy? Perhaps. Secure and unquestioning? Most certainly.
I realized after saying it so easily, that my daydreams of moving somewhere else, somewhere I might be more able to live the artistic lifestyle and enjoy my surroundings, were really nothing more than that.....daydreams. I realized once again that I was still here after all my doubts about this city, for the one person that made every struggle meaningful and not in vain. My beebs. And I realized that I shouldn't be worried that I wasn't "working" at a relationship as so many people had advised. I had something that required no work at all, and to run away from that for any job or change of scenery would be perhaps the first thing in my life I WOULD regret.
Love is something we all need to give unconditionally and accept in the same manner. It is the very thing so many of us struggle to achieve, nurture, and maintain. The very hardest thing for some of us to offer to others and welcome unto ourselves. It's hard to say for certain what the biggest problem is in that regard. Often it's the stress associated with the whole "marriage," permanency phenomenon. Apparently locking oneself in a binding religious and legal agreement with another person poses serious threat and inevitable detriment to the relationship itself.
I cannot speak personally on this matter; I can only mention that a number of my close friends were perfectly content prior to such an engagement; an engagement which has left many of them cold, discouraged and discontent. A self-proclaimed serial monogamist, I find this realization difficult to reconcile. I have lived with the same person, as if we were married, for the past 6 years. There is not a second of that life I regret; I feel immeasurably blessed and better off for having lived it. Instead I wonder, egotistically, if there is some trait I or he possess, which makes us better equipped to maintain such a relationship. My scientific side forces me to consider that perhaps there is a more humble realization..... something about the pairings of those I've watched was perhaps incompatible before they ever began--If there was another reason those two people did not, or could not, work together. And this is where I come back to feeling self-righteous and therefor most likely incorrect.
Like I said, I've had a series of long-term relationships throughout my dating life, each of which always felt more correct than the last, yet nonetheless had an end-point I was aware of, in the back of my head. Currently, in the back of my head (and sometimes more up front than I feel ready to be comfortable with), I see only a wedding, children, a happy life of aging with someone I feel no hesitation in saying I'll be "cool" with, forever. He lacks any of the traits that I'd feel confident saying will make me unhappy, in the end. The one thing I have learned in listening to people, is that the whole cliche of relationships being something you have to "work" at is total crap. As with anything else right in my life, relationships should follow the path of least resistance. That isn't to say you shouldn't try, only to say that it's not the spectacular feat of effort that most claim it to be. Nothing about my relationship has involved effort of any sort. If you love someone, you love someone unconditionally. There is nothing to work at. If you disagree, you might be with the wrong person.
I say this confidently because I can still remember all the things about life I've spent my time worrying over. Where to live, what to be, where to work, what type of life I want......and in the end none of it mattered. I realized I would be happy with everything else if I had a partner to share it with. If this seems submissive or insecure, consider this: even if you could say everything else in your life was perfect (job, home, location, yourself), what would you still ask for? A partner to share in your success. When recently talking with a friend about how he would transition his life to a new location and career, I discussed my slight distaste for my geographical location. We talked about other cities that might be more fun to live in, more appropriate for our tastes. He asked me "well, does Maryland feel like home for you?" My reply was instant and certain: "anywhere that Mike is, feels like home for me." Cheesy? Perhaps. Secure and unquestioning? Most certainly.
I realized after saying it so easily, that my daydreams of moving somewhere else, somewhere I might be more able to live the artistic lifestyle and enjoy my surroundings, were really nothing more than that.....daydreams. I realized once again that I was still here after all my doubts about this city, for the one person that made every struggle meaningful and not in vain. My beebs. And I realized that I shouldn't be worried that I wasn't "working" at a relationship as so many people had advised. I had something that required no work at all, and to run away from that for any job or change of scenery would be perhaps the first thing in my life I WOULD regret.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Leaving the World of Time
I'm sure we've all found ourselves a prisoner of time, whether we're aware of it or not. It's nearly impossible to go about your day without glancing at a clock, a cell phone, a watch....whether merely to satisfy the curiosity of knowing what time it is or to check how late we're about to be for some important engagement. This may seem harmless enough, but as we grow older this "time keeping" seems to override our very sensibilities, making us crazy with the anticipation and stress of looming appointments and deadlines. Perhaps you may relate to the typical morning routine: an alarm goes off signaling it is time for you to leave your peaceful sleep and begin to prepare for the day. The watch on your arm indicates you should have left for work 10 minutes ago if you wanted to arrive on time. The morning news radio announcer indicates the time periodically as you drive to work, telling you just how much of a delay the traffic is causing. At work the painful seconds tick by, telling you when to gather in the conference room for the weekly meeting, when to have lunch, and finally when you're free to leave. At home it's more of the same: dinner time, bed time, so little time if one is really taking notice. Before you realize it, the day is over and ready to start again with the constant awareness of some clock telling you when and what you need to be doing. While many of us perform this routine like clockwork (pun certainly intended), how often do we stop and ask ourselves if this is at all enjoyable, or if there is some other way to do things that doesn't require constant attention to a concept that humans made up in the first place? My solution is to ignore all numerical indicators of the time as often as possible. Wake up naturally, do your routine and get to work when you get there. This obviously has the potential to cause serious problems, as employment in most sectors requires an almost neurotic attention to timeliness. I find it discouraging that we cannot seem to come together as a society of intelligent, independent individuals and agree that life would be much simpler and less hectic if we could only find a way to get our jobs done without relying on this obsession with time. I've been actively working on my own ways to remain outside the world of time, and each moment of freedom makes me even more confident that this fight is well worth it. So toss the watch. Try to live in the moment you're already in, instead of worrying about the ones ahead. You might find yourself enjoying things you'd normally miss. Afterall, didn't someone say it was the "little things" that made life worth living in the first place?
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