Wanting What We Don't Need

This seems as appropriate a time as any to post about a conclusion I made a few years back. With the economy as it is and unemployment shaky at best, a closer look at the things we spend (i.e. waste) money on is certainly in order. This is one of those topics where some will argue "money can buy you happiness," or "I absolutely DO need that," but I will firmly support my argument based on the sole consideration of what really signifies a "need" in the first place.

There is an entire sub-field of psychology devoted to understanding our need to own, consume, purchase and possess various items. That same field deals specifically with the inner processes that lead us to believe these things we buy will make us better off, or "happy." There is a whole other sect of religious philosophy that deals with owning as little as possible, and how the very lack of possessions is the true path to happiness. As with most of my beliefs, I will espouse that neither extreme is the best solution for the majority of people. Any scientific bell curve will show you that the middle portion of the curve (accounting for 95% of the population) accounts for the greatest amount of people in any situation. To put it simply, what works for most, lies in the middle. The outer extremes on either end fall upon a mere 5% of individuals, indicating extremism is usually not in your favor.

Now that we have the science part out of the way, I will return to my main point. The majority of us own so much more than we could ever truly need, that we lose sight of reality before we graduate from high school. I'm not talking about the wealthy kids who already had cars purchased for them before they got a drivers license or the fashionistas who spend their free time perusing the malls for the latest fads. I'm referring to practically everyone who lives above the line of abject poverty. Once you have shelter, food and the bare minimum of clothing and some extra change for incidentals, you've peaked...in terms of meeting our basic needs.

Many of us are unfortunately not taught the value of money. We grow up expecting that basic things like toothpaste, shampoo and food will just be present in the house we live in with our parents. These are not financial considerations for a lot of kids. This fantasy extends into college, where our tuition, dorms, food and everything else we ask for is paid in full. Even if one takes out loans or piles up credit card debt to fund such an excursion, most fail to grasp the financial reality until they're out in the real world.

I came from a world of "stuff." I had all the clothing and crap I wanted, and despite having a legitimate job since I was 14, I still failed to learn the valuable lesson about money. When someone else is covering your rent, food, gas and toiletries, it's very easy to be fooled into thinking your $6 an hour wage will be more than capable of supporting your lifestyle. Then come the credit cards. Oh, the lure of frivolous purchasing you will "attempt" to pay for at a later point without realizing that $5,000 with interest takes a freaking lifetime to pay back.

I got my first full time job (where I still work), straight out of college. To someone who has worked only part time gigs for hourly wages their whole life, whatever crappy salary they offer you seems like the most money you've ever heard of in your life. I had insurance, close to 3 months of paid leave every year, a 401K, and around 30K. For 2004, this seemed like a good situation for me. In that interim I racked up credit card, medical, and eventually graduate school debt that I will be paying off for the next 9 years unless I win the lottery.

The reason I bring this up, is because it took me all of that time going through those situations, crying over whether or not I'd be able to afford rent that month, to realize how much wasteful spending I did. I had no conception of spending frugally in the grocery store; I simply purchased the brand name items my mom had always served our family growing up. I went to the mall to buy bags of clothes I couldn't even fit into my already overflowing closet. I bought brand name cosmetics and toiletries because I didn't give it a second thought. And the scariest part of all of this, is that I'm not a vain or unintelligent person, as much as these recounts may make me seem. I was simply doing what I'd been brought up with my entire life; I was doing what one does when they are completely lost and searching for a grasp on life. Unfortunately it took me 3 years of living in abject poverty on graduate student wages to understand my errors.

After being immersed (ironically) in a situation where everyone wore the best clothes and dressed the part of the proper therapist for 3 years, I had learned quite the opposite. It's not the clothes, its not the hair, its not even about daily showering or wearing makeup every day. It was about me; what made me happy and what made me spend more money and become that much more miserable. The day I realized all of this was the day I cut up the credit cards, starting living within my means, and from that point I grew more and more as a non-neurotic individual each day.

There was a point where I wouldn't leave the house without a proper manicure and pedicure, hair at least dealt with in some way, and wearing something I felt proper in. When grad school set in I realized time was my biggest asset, and to waste a second of it on grooming and getting dressed was absolutely ridiculous. That was followed by learning to find clothing for cheap, learning to update your last seasons wardrobe with a few scarves or hats, and learning to avoid even entering a mall. In the mall everything is so flashy and "gotta have it" its no wonder so many of us have issues with our spending. The truth is, going into debt from loans and having to live off half my usual salary while in graduate school was the best thing that ever could have happened to me.

This was, perhaps coincidentally but in my opinion not at all, the same time I stopped attending my doctoral program of clinical psychology. I realized for all their efforts to be the "helpers" the world so desperately needs, these people engulfed in my program of study were so far away from helping themselves that there was no shot in hell they would ever realistically be able to help anyone else. I realized something about myself that made me feel completely aberrent and foreign, something that made me understand I had chosen the wrong path in my search to help others. I had mistakenly entered a world of becoming rich off the woes of others, at the expense of becoming, for yourself, a real person actually capable of offering sound advice that came from something other than a manual.

They teach you that therapy is a process of change, but the majority of therapists in training refuse to reconcile what that means. Change, in my opinion, isn't simply about curtailing your drug habit or behaviorally managing your anxiety. Change; true therapy, is about forcing yourself into an uncomfortable situation in a way that allows you to eventually feel comfortable and almost natural doing so. It's not enough to treat symptoms; finding happiness entails dealing with the very aspects of life that have brought you to a point where you feel unhappy in the first place.

If this seems tangential or irrelevant to my starting point, let me explain my intent. I believe very strongly that the most influential source of unhappiness in our lives is what we bring upon ourselves. How does this relate to spending habits and over-consumption? Without quoting a bunch of research on the topic, the only reason you should be purchasing something is true necessity or for the purpose of entertainment. If you're able to rationally review your spending habits and categorize them accordingly, you'll likely find that much of what you spent your money on doesn't fall into either of those two scenarios. The more insecure you are with yourself and your life, the more money you will spend trying to remedy this, subconsciously or otherwise.

Many people dislike their jobs, and they rationalize this by stating the money they make allows them to live the lifestyle they enjoy. But I ask, how enjoyable is yachting and designer clothing if you've had to sacrifice so many other aspects of your life to afford the luxury? I will state a personal opinion here, that love and family is the most important thing to attend to. Everything beyond providing for that is a secondary need. I could continue to call it a "personal opinion," except every body of research in the fields of biology, psychology and anthropology would say its not an opinion, its a fact. We're primates; we're programmed to mate, nurture, and provide. Everything we eagerly grasp at beyond that point is simply greed, or misplaced understanding of the self and what it needs to be happy.

Clearly there is so much more to delve into here that would take more than anyone would care to read in a blog. Blogs are for the attention-deficient, emotionally stunted people who want to listen to how someone else says you should live your life. So, if you've read this far I'll just leave you with a few words of consideration. Think of the one or two things in your life you would be most unhappy to give up. If they are other people, passions you have about life, or a personal dream, pat yourself on the back and go have a beer. If they're anything material in nature, please take some time away from your work to think about your priorities. In either case, look over your bank account, the way you live your life, and realistically ask yourself if its maintainable, reasonable, and true to who you are.