How to Love: Vol 1

I'm writing this article partially as someone who can speak from experience, and also as someone who has observed the actions of others causing their relationships to go horribly awry. Feel free to comment/disagree with your own stories.

Of course it's still true that you have to love yourself before you can (functionally) love another, but aside from that there is quite a bit to consider.

First of all, even if you do have personal issues at stake there are ways of going about a relationship with someone else that I would consider "DO's" and "DON'Ts." Primarily, are you actively engaged in your problems to a level that prevents deeper connection with someone else? If so, you probably should take a step back from that relationship and work on those before proceeding. If you're like the rest of us and simply 'have a few things you'd like to work on,' then by all means don't let that deter you from forming a meaningful and significant relationship. If it's a good match, hopefully you can help each other deal with your issues and grow from it.

Is there something about yourself you aren't happy with? Do you feel angry, anxious, stressed out, or something along those lines? These are not definitive relationship enders. What IS a proven method to destroy anything good in your life, is letting whatever concerns you may have get the best of you and render you incapable of rational decision making and action. If you're struggling with something, the best thing you can do is inform your partner. Let them know what you're feeling and if you can, why you feel that way about certain things. More importantly, let them know they're not the cause of it (if they are you may want to find a new partner), and that you're willing and interested in changing that aspect of yourself. Hopefully they will appreciate your honesty and offer support.

While we cannot always expect someone else to understand what we're feeling and experiencing, we should always expect someone who cares about us to be interested and willing to try. As an example, having a partner with a serious or debilitating problem like anxiety or depression hurts both parties in the relationship. Knowing that the person with the problem sincerely wants to take steps to change it shows commitment not only to themselves, but to improving the relationship. If someone you love shares this with you, you should be excited they realize there is a problem, and supportive of changes they're willing to make to improve it.

If you feel like it's your "other half" who has the "problem," then it's beneficial for you to try to address it with them in a supportive and open-minded manner. One of the things I've seen most often in situations like this is judgmental, un-constructive blame and argument without purpose. Simply accusing someone of acting in a way that they probably know they're acting, is not inherently helpful. Understandably, if your partner is having a negative emotional reaction, you will be inclined to react emotionally as well. Just keep in mind that telling someone who is already upset, that they're making YOU upset by the way they're behaving (feeling), will be of no help to either of you.

Asking them nicely about a situation that makes you unhappy or uncomfortable/worried is a way of expressing concern as well as compassion. It's important to clarify that you're not blaming them, rather that you're concerned and would like to help them get what they need to feel better or behave differently. This can be difficult to address in a way that doesn't upset the other person, but if it's an on-going problem that you believe is hindering the relationship, it needs to be addressed. If it doesn't go over well the first time you try, don't give up. Sometimes it feels like we're being attacked when others point out our problems, especially when that someone is very close to us.

Perhaps this sounds very unrealistic to some readers, but I ask you, is continuing to maintain a relationship plagued with a problem that is hurting one or both parties more realistic and likely to succeed in the long-term? Probably not. I hear time and time again that one person ended the relationship because they simply "couldn't take it anymore." Whatever 'it' was, I'm guessing it could have been addressed in a constructive way that might have helped the relationship stay intact.

Another huge, if not the biggest problem I can think of with these types of situations, is emotional control. By that I mean the capacity of both individuals to avoid succumbing to emotions when a difficult topic comes up. I'm in no way suggesting the emotion itself should be avoided; often it is the emotion that is causing the problem to begin with. I'm simply stating that when you're discussing something emotionally charged with a partner, the best thing you can do for both of you is try your best to refrain from making irrational statements based solely on how you're feeling during the conversation. Discussing hard topics makes everyone react differently, but typically some of that reaction is emotional. While understanding that emotion may be the key to eventually understanding how to avoid the problem in the first place, it is a dead-end when beginning difficult discussions.

If you're consistently having an emotional reaction to something your partner says or does, it may be helpful to take some time for yourself to process the situation prior to addressing it with them. Take some time to relax, letting the emotion pass, and write down your thoughts about what happens when the situation comes up. If you find yourself thinking things like "I get really angry/anxious when..." try to think harder about what specifically makes you become angry or anxious. Try to pinpoint what it is about that situation that causes you to have that emotion, that other stressful situations do not have. It's crucial to have a clear discussion in mind before addressing any type of emotional content with your partner.

I myself have learned from this strategy. I recall always getting anxious and feeling panicky prior to certain events. I would get extremely upset, hyperventilate and often feel very out of control and sick. Although the reaction occurred on cue every time the situation came up, I felt powerless to explain to him why I was having it. It was uncomfortable for me, as it impaired me from having any discussion about it while I was in that state of mind. It was uncomfortable for him because all he could see was me crying and having difficulty breathing, and had no idea how to make me feel better or how to have avoided it in the first place. Eventually after much deliberation on my part, I had some idea of the specific aspects of these circumstances that caused me to have my emotional overflows. After realizing what those were, I could finally tell him what was going through my mind when I reacted that way, and we were able to come up with ideas on how to approach the situations a little differently so I wouldn't feel that way about them. As I mentioned in an earlier post, practice makes perfect. The more you understand about yourself, the better you become at avoiding unpleasantries.

In addition to self-reflection and taking the time to consider everything associated with my emotions AFTER they had returned to normal, having an understanding and patient partner played an incredible role in my overcoming these reactions. It's hard enough to try to figure yourself out, it's nearly impossible to do that with someone you care about yelling at you and blaming you for feeling the way you do.

When dealing with someone else's problems, it all comes down to communication and patience. If you can, communicate about what they're feeling and how it's affecting you. If you can't, simply expressing compassion and patience for the other person feeling the emotion goes a long long way. Over time, making someone feel completely comfortable with you will only make the recovery process faster and easier for both of you. If it's emotion, assume first that you have no idea or way of understanding what that is like for the person experiencing it. Secondly, realize how uncomfortable it makes them and realize they're not choosing to react that way. If you can develop empathy and simple patience, the worst that can happen is eventually finding a way to be closer to each other and make each other happier along the way.